Every day is hard

It doesn't get easier. You just get better.

I nearly cut my workout short today. Just 'cause I wanted to go home earlier and get some rest. I nearly cut out 6 sets.  Six sets! It's nearly nothing and it is everything that I can't get back -ever- if I cut it out... I can never live this day again (thank god)...

I didn't cut my workout short. I finished it smiling. I went home happier. I had a hot shower and ate good food.
I slept well.

I didn't fuck up today. It was a hard day in many ways.
I made it.
I'll do better tomorrow.

Never die.

Power plus

The end of the third week means the beginning of the second pump week...

I added weight (or reps) to all my sets this week (powerrrrr). I was sure I could not do that so soon but I did. I had to. I was too strong for the "normal" weight. More food = more strength = more gains = more belief

Next week I'll have to bring them down again and focus on the pump... ohh the burn :)

I am not for sale

Some random guy got into my dreams last night.
I was hanging around in a bicycle cellar with kiddo. I think I was teaching him about the invention of the wheel. ....

The guy kept talking to me like I was for sale. "Yes. You look good. I'll take you... "
I hated his smile.

I felt bad. I didn't want to hurt him but I was Not going to let him take me away from kiddo.
I got aggressive and shouted at him. I remember feeling very good about myself and I felt strong and liberated because I could attack him verbally.
We fled. I grabbed kiddo and ran out the door. The man did not follow.
I think he lost interest after I had emasculated him with my words.

Fake it or die

They wanted to kill me.
They wanted to see me cry... and then die.

I saw what they did to the girl in front of me.
She got fried like a rat.
I was afraid. Not often do I find myself in this kind of shit (in my nightmares...).

It was my turn.
The alien woman looked at me and smiled. Well... she didn't have lips so I only saw her grin... she looked like something I had seen on Farscape. A tall humanoid with an elongated head and no eyes. Legs like a kangaroo but the top half of a chimp. Skin so white it was transparent and clothed like a domina from a bikini nightmare... black and red leather with more than plenty cut/worn out bondage ropes hanging around her waist and around her neck and wrists...

...she told me to stand by the window. My hands were tied to a radiator and a metal string was handed to me.

A bony, thin alien dressed in tight, black leather underwear talked to me through a mask that seemed to change its voice to a low growl:
"Hang on to that string. Don't let go or we will hurt you more.
When the electricity starts to flow you will first feel a light humming. Then we will zap you. As we learn how much you can handle we will keep adding until it kills you.
So don't let go.
You'll live longer.
It will hurt but the view is beautiful, isn't it?..."

I looked out.
The view was out to the messy and crappy streets of an old European city.
I think I was in Prague again.

Shit.
I can't let them kill me.
The first humming sensation started. Then I felt the Zap!
"Huhh... not bad."

I noticed that I could reach the curtains. I looked back. No one was looking.
I grabbed the curtains and twisted them around the metal string I was holding. A dry cloth might just give me the time I need to think my way out of this mess...
A new humming. The next zap. I hardly felt it but I jumped a bit to make them think it was working. .. the aliens were already prepping their next victim.

I had no idea how often I would be zapped. Maybe they just liked to look at pain. ...but why did everyone have to die?
"No witnesses." :/

I didn't get a new zap for minutes and I got more and more worried that they had figured out my trick with the curtains. I still hadn't come up with a way to free myself from the radiator.

"Shit... think bitch!" I got SO angry at myself. Here I was. Being tortured and waiting to die like a fxcking lamb with a limp.
I felt adrenaline filling my veins, flowing to my muscles and making my eyes red. I had the pump from hell and my shirt ripped under my arms.
I ripped the fucking radiator out of the wall, threw it at the smaller alien killing it instantly. Then I pulled the metal string out of the wall and shouted to the tall alien woman that I was going to hang her with it. I started running straight at her with NO ideas about HOW the hell I was going to hang that giant with a piece of string.
The girl that was being prepped to get killed after me kicked the alien in the foot and ran off.
That was all I needed. A distraction. I jumped and slid between her legs and got behind her before she had time to react. I swung the rope around her neck and pulled with all my strength.

"Don't let go. You'll live longer..."

...

I woke up but this nightmare bothered me all day long.
:(

I don't understand it.
Maybe my mind is still going through some of the shit I lived through this summer?

The end of pump week

It's done now. .. I tested both power week and pump week :)
Now it's time to add some weight and keep going, keep growing, keep showing results to my reflection in the mirror and gaining Everything I need to reach my Dreams ;)

Work.
Work.
Work.

Repeat.

She may not know this but...

I got in.
I rarely even understand that I spend time in other people's houses and they don't know it. I just do it.

As I shut the door behind me I smelled it.
Clean air. Clean floors. No dust.
Everything was new and shiny.

I especially loved the white floors :)

Man, she has good taste!

I knew she moved somewhere since her "divorce", but I had no idea that she didn't just get some small flat on the edge of town... She got a fxcking penthouse!
The hallway was wide (it had walk in closets on both sides of it) and it opened up to the dining room/living room and kitchen. Everything was white and black. The kitchen had a round shape to it but no walls to block it from the dining area. It looked like a small Japanese restaurant.

Some of the furniture was really old and rustic but they fitted in to the flat perfectly. I even loved her choice in rugs... Persian :) BIG Persian rugs in earthy colors and not lined up with the walls or other furniture... just thrown on the floor and owning the space around them.

Giant windows gave the most of the light in to the rooms. It was early evening and the sun was still just high enough to paint the sky with red and orange colors. I walked outside to the balcony and looked out to the sea... We were about 3 blocks from the beach and I could see the traffic and hear the music from the streets down below.

The balcony was bare and empty. I guess she has't had time to put chairs out there or then she just doesn't use it much? She could easily fit a bar&grill out there and 2 sitting areas ;)

I went back in. I remembered she had a small, black dog. It must be in here somewhere...

I found 3 bedrooms and one of them had bunk beds in it. A flat faced cat was sleeping on one of them and her black dog on the other. The dog growled at me when I stepped into the room, but the cat just looked at me with zero interest.
"Hmmm... she has a cat. And the cat has 2 beds... just like the dog. Weird..."

I left the room and kept looking around.
The master bathroom (connected to the master bedroom with double wide, champagne colored glass doors) had a wall of windows looking over the town. Hehee, imagine taking a shower and "everyone" can see you do it. Well, at least for a while until the window fogs up.

This lady knows her worth :D

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/92/a0/3f/92a03f73e839d18a9cde9ee05d694fdb.jpg

Life 2.0

Everything is "new".
Everything started from the beginning.

It's a new life.
It's the better me.

I'm still working on my book. I changed the core theme... it's better now.

I'm still lifting.
I'm loving my choice to "work with" Markus Heinänen. I'm really seeing and feeling the difference :)

How will he remember this

It seems that Finland is flooding with people who aren't supposed to be here. 

People who need a peaceful home to live in... they have lost their homes. Well, some of them are lost all together .. Some of them are just FUCKING AROUND AND GETTING US PISSED OFF!!!

But hey... I have to keep things real. In the years to come, how will my kiddo remember me. Will he remember that I did not take sides. Will he remember that I kept my cool and helped the ones that truly needed it?

Will he trust my judgement, will he remember my choices and help people in the future... will he be a "people helper" or a "people hater"...

How can I make him trust that we do not have to leave our home because of war or other shit. ..

What will I tell him when he asks :)

I'm free

The IUD is gone.
It hurt like hell when the good doctor removed it.
But then came bliss. I was free.
The badly gone experiment was over and it was my time to fly again.

I'll write more later. Not about the IUD but about my workouts. My better life :)

Now what

It's nearly 1am and I'm hungry.
Should I go and eat or should I stick to the meal plan.... my workouts are so late that I can't eat a full meal after them and I sleep 10+2 hours a day so it's tough to eat 5 times a day (plus 3 large drinks when training)...

I need to make changes.

But babies

... but have babies :)

They can be the love of your life.
You can be on any drugs or meds or shit but you NEVER find yourself hating your baby <3

He's always number one ;)

"My shit"

This is the kind of shit I've been using.
Hormones.

Female shit.

I hate this stuff.

It doesn't work.

The pills were shit.
I was angry all the time.

The IUD is worse. I'm physically sick and starting to get depressed about it... all the fxcking time.

Don't do drugs.

Yeah... and don't do birth control.

'Cause it's SHIT!

Don't save her!!

I haven't ridden a "4 wheel crawler" for a while and it shows. .. my dream threw me back to North Carelia. We were on a safari. I had problems with my steering and I found myself in the gutter more than once.

Riding past a farm we got into trouble. The road was blocked. We used reclining chairs to build a bridge for out ATVs. As the first one of us crossed the whole thing cracked and broke. No more bridge.
The farmer wanted us to stay for the night. They had a big farm. Lots of tools for farming little plants and veggies. They loved their old school style.

It started raining rocks. As big as my fist.
We ran inside a barn and locked the doors. The glass buildings around us shattered and broken glass was everywhere.
A zombie girl shouted outside the barn. I was in there with a woman. She panicked. I told her we were safe but she kept screaming that we must save her friend.
"No, idiot! She's a zombie! She'll hurt us!" I shouted.
But she didn't hear me and she started banging at the doors and she broke a window so the gray and smelly zombie could get in...
"Shit! All I have are these spoons..." I had nothing to use as a weapon. The barn was empty. I went through all the different ways to kill a zombie with just two big spoons and suddenly a small child ran straight at me. I jumped and swung my spoon.
"Oh god, no!" It was my kiddo. He had a cut on his forehead and he was crying. He was ok and Not a zombie but I had hurt him by accident. Poor baby.
I held him close and he stopped crying. The zombie was eating the other woman.

I woke up.

The new PT and what he does

Tomorrow it starts for real. I've been testing my diet now for 4days and it seems to work :)
I'm keeping it as clean as possible and drinking a minimum of 3l per day (water).

Here's what it's all about :

http://trainer24.fi/

I'm dancing to the beats of Markus Heinänen.

...

Tomorrow I have 3 clients and then I'm heading straight for the weights.
It's going to be a long night ;)

Rest and eat

My meal preps are going fine. I'm very pleased with my new diet. I just have to remind myself daily that this is Not a show prep.
I'm still waiting for next week so I can start with my new work out plans... in a way it's good that I take it easy first and then start hitting it hard ;)
Rest. Rest. Kill everything. Rest.

The only slow things in life have to do with my hormonal balance. The fxcking IUD has to go and I hate waiting around for the postman to bring me the letter I'm supposed to get "any day now".

I know it was my fxcking idea to get this thing stuffed inside me but -fxck!- it's been a joyful thing for a lot of women.
"What could go wrong..."
It's just super bad luck that I can't handle this shit... I must be allergic to female hormones :D

I gotta get it out of me before it "kills me".

His coming for me...

Something BIG is going to happen and I will share it with you guys as soon as I get the first email. ....

I'm going to push HARD for 9 weeks and it will not be like it used to be.

My new "distant Master" will not be kind.

He is a machine, a winner, a true hero.

I'm expecting a serious amount of pain in both my body and mind.

How long 'til we get there?

I saw the doc today.
She said she can't help.
So I'm still "on drugs"...

She promised to get me an appointment at the local hospital.  They're equipped with all the right stuff and They can help me.

Great.

I wonder if I have to wait another month again.
I'll be "dead" by then :/

Hacked it!

Soooo.... I found the time to go to the gym. (No good milk in the fridge -> gotta go out anyway)

Warmed up with basic squats and jumping around and doing stupid stuff with my arms and. .... aaargh I wanted to get started already! ! :)

I kept it clean and tight on the hack. Slow and deep...

My knees were happy and I sure did get a good feeling in my glutes and thighs but my back felt tight so I gave it a rest and finished my quads with both long and heavy knee extensions...

Motivated

After spending time with my cousin I feel motivated and fired up. The spark in me that wants to compete again has never died but now I feel that it got a ton of gasoline thrown on it :)

Something he said about the hack squat really got to me... if I have the time and energy I'll hit the hack on Thursday when we go back home.
But if I'm too dead tired and under fed I'll save my energy and walk to the (real) gym on Friday.

Uuuu.... I want to pump the Hell out of that hackedy-hack thingie... :D

Grilling and chilling

I took some time off.
It's summer. Enjoy it.

Kiddo and I went barbecuing and finally saw my cousin :)
Gosh he's grown again.
We have a weight difference of 100kg.

He started lifting again. He says that the pump in his muscles as well as his mass grows quickly but his strength is still "gone". He took some time off last year, did more cardio, lost some weight and did longer sets with smaller weights.

Now his slowly getting back to normal and hitting the BIG WEIGHTS :)

...BIG means weights that need 3 spotters to keep things safe! ;)

He did the best juicy chicken! Well his wife prepped it but he grilled it :)
And the salad had the Biggest grapes I've ever seen!

We have to go again and take a cake with us... :)

Body check

59kg...

Unbreakable

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq2hVOSACFo

I miss Rob. Sometimes I listen to music that reminds me of him.
Not his music. The other kind...

Are you out there? My future...

I've been getting a lot of contacts through my Bodyspace account and on LinkedIn.
It's always nice to meet new people and to hear what they have to say about the world and what they like to talk about when a completely new person is listening. :)

I've been enjoying this "reaching out to the world" side of me.
I feel like my planet is expanding :)

I read a long article today about touching people and living longer. I'm sure it was all true.

I need a massage.
And according to the article, lots and lots of sex ;)

http://valtsuhealth.blogspot.fi/2015/07/sosiaalinen-elama-yksinaisyys.html?m=1

How to train right

This weekend is just as slow but more productive than usual.
I finally got a lot of my over due writing/updating stuff done.

It's been super warm (about 20C) and sunny :)

One of my workouts got messed up 'cause kiddo woke up too early (our neighbour was shouting instructions as she was getting her kids ready for park) but I finished my last sets with him playing behind me. Every now and then he did come up and push the bar down. I'm not sure why. I'm pretty sure I was lifting it. Not pushing it down ;)

He helps me around a lot. When I shake my shaker, he shakes his milk bottle. (Milk flying...) When I clear weeds in the garden, he pulls all the plants up and tries to eat them...(plants dieing. ..)

I'm trying to find a minimum of moves for THIS MONTH. Next month I'll do something different and never will I train more than 4 times per week and I'll always keep the workouts short and my reps super slow.
I don't go through the whole list. I pick about half of the moves and just concentrate on them :)

Santa from hell

Honestly I watched ONE episode of Dexter and now my dream world is full of killers and maniacs :/

***

Killer Santa... that's what they all said. I was a prisoner. There were others too... mostly women. The men got all sent away eventually... to a mine of some sort?
It looked more like a witches lair. Dark rooms and small windows. A fireplace in every room. Ogres and angry dwarfs kept doing rounds so we couldn't mess around or plan to escape. I saw 4 white mice in a box... they had not given up :) They stole stuff every day to build a "key". They had a plan but they would not share. Wise mice :) Never trust anyone.

Santa saw the mice carrying a ball of yarn. That was the end.... He told me to cut of their index fingers and to decorate their box like a xmas tree with them. I was in a small state of shock. How could I fake this. I don't want to hurt the mice... and was I supposed to cut of 4 fingers or 8? I though about making little fake fingers out of candle wax.

I still had time and the biggest ogre was sleeping on the cutting table. He had long, blue dreads and a Jamaican style to talk. Me and another woman started braiding his hair. We told him we liked to touch his hair and he fell a sleep. We tied him to the table with his dreads and ripped all the curtains off the windows. The light scared the dwarfs to the mines and when Santa came back we beat him with his own walking stick. His fake beard fell off.

The sun burned the house and the mice and the rest of us stood on a hill and looked as the smoke started to push out of the mines and our men (all were saved) crawled out to the fresh air.

A rescue helicopter hovered over us. The mice gave the pilot a thumbs up. They knew each other :)


Fxcking Santa. Stay away from my dreams :(

Skitso killer

I was a sniper. Trained to kill. My rifle had pink and yellow bits to it but I was like a machine with it when we trained. The guys laughed at me when I joined the swat team but now they see me as one of them. Just another lost soul.

The papers had written about a serial killer. A woman with a bipolar mind kept torturing and killing young girls. Her "other mind" was over 160kg, but in real life she weighed about 70kg. This fat side of hers made her wear giant clothes and had a limp. So when we spotted her at the airport we called everyone and woke up the mean dogs.

We followed her behind an old and empty plane hanger. She was known for bashing in her victim's face or scull and leaving her to die in a small hole in the ground. We all hated her. Both of her minds...

I listened to the radio and heard our boss talk as he was watching the killer walk around cleaning the hanger where she (supposedly) did her dirty work.

Boss: "...she walks with the status definitely in her both personalities..."

I'm sure he meant by "status" that her bipolar mind was actually just double negative.

Boss:"...take her out."

Snap.

Snap.

I shot her in the head at first but then as she was falling I put another one in her heart. Just to make us all feel better.

We found the last victim. She was dead. Had been for a day now... her forehead was swollen and green pus leaked out of her wounds. We all felt bad for her loss. 

***

It's days since I saw this dream but it still follows me around.

Back to S.A.

A dream took me back to South Africa.
We were there for a party.
The food and drinks were amazing :)
Birds of paradise flew around in the garden and there was a crystal fountain with sparkling pink water. ..

Us ladies were all asked to wear something cheap and ugly for the gala night. We chose to find matching jumpsuits from the nearby mall. The dream took 2 hours and 1,5 of them I spent looking for that hideous "party wear"... gosh. There sure are a lot of ugly clothes in my dream world! !?

If I die today

Kiddo slept for about an hour today (around lunchtime). I got a good workout for my biceps and triceps :)
I had to use a pre - exhaust method but it worked fine!
(Pump yourself silly with the 20kg bar and the finish every set with 5kg or 10kg plates...)

I was hoping to do just a slow and short workout but since kiddo kept sleeping and I had nothing else to do it just felt like the right thing to do: keep working, force yourself to grow. ...

Well I sure got myself totally fxcked up with just an arm workout. ... I'm too tired to do anything more tonight. I just ate and now it's all about playing with kiddo.... thank god he likes Duplos. We can just sit and play for a while :)

About the topic :
I've been listening to motivational speeches on youtube again.
I really do like them :)
It's a good booster when I feel like I don't seem to remember what I want in life ;)

She stole my idea

Two nights ago I saw Dana Linn Bailey again.
She had stolen my idea for shoes. Anti gravity shoes...
She was testing them out and I felt bad about seeing my idea put all the way to use before I even got it off the table.

She was having a hard time making them work. She kept jumping off her warehouse. The idea was right but they needed more work with the specs that needed to be put in to balance out the "pilot's" errors...

Later in the morning I noticed how pumped and happy I was after seeing that dream :)
I had been copied before my idea was even a working product!
This ment that my idea was a sure winner and I should feel good about it :)
So what if I lost the patent and got nothing out of it. Not even my name in bright lights... so what.
I should celebrate the feeling of being so good that people were rushing to "be me" ;D
Funny dream.

It still works its magic ;)

Sulkava

Kiddo and I took a night off and drove over to Sulkava...
By taking a night off I mean we slept together on a small bed in the same room at our friend's house.
It's funny how those kinds of nights always flow the easiest  :)

This town is beautiful  :)

Kiddo ran out of clothes and I made him a skirt out of my old t-shirt.
He looks a bit like a Roman child?...
We called him Micus Minimus.

Drugs and meds

What went wrong with the hormonal pump program...

Dropping the dope.

***

Female hormones don't fit well into my fit female body?
I have to drop my birth control system. It's killing me and it's fxcking up our lives.

I tried to get a doctor's appointment today but there's nothing out there. I'll keep trying tomorrow.

So.... back to basics.

I am back on my way to controlling MY LIFE...

I kept telling myself this weekend that it's all about controlling My Life. Not The World around me.
I am right.
I am me.
And I am not done yet  ;)

Polar Loop

I'm testing the Polar Loop activity tracker.
(Thanks Mom!)
I'm mostly interested in my sleep patterns.
Do I really sleep or do I jump around and play all night....

We'll see soon.

I hope the tracker won't keep me awake. I don't wear jewellery or a wristwatch to bed. They keep me awake and make me jumpy and annoyed.

3 times a week

How to build muscle with just 3 workouts per week... or with just 180 minutes per week:

Eat right.
Sleep.
Rest and stretch.
Drink more water.
Do the minimum amount of exercise.

It's all you need to click your switch to "grow".

I'll be posting my home workouts here.
I'll test myself and we'll see if .......

This is how far I got.
Then my throat got sore and now I am sick. Not super sick. Just sick enough to take it easy (and hate my stupid throat)...

And the worst part is:

My weight crashed. I'm down to 57kg. Shit.

M

I live at my gym

This 'n' that

A hundred things to say but I just don't feel like going through any of them here.

I got a lot on my plate  :)
I'm happy about that. I got my home life, baby things, gym things, food disasters, work lifes #1 and #2... I got things happening on the side and I still write my movie and other novels when I get the feeling. ...

I haven't taken the time to get that Inbody check done. I'm fine with that. I'll do it when I feel like it. In 6 weeks maybe.
My weight is stuck in 58kg. It just sits there but for couple of weeks now I have not given a shit...

I'm starting a new program next week. I'm starting from scratch with Squatting. It's been hitting my back too much so I have to teach myself to squat all over again  :)
I will be doing all my squatting with a bench for the next 4-6 weeks. Box squatting will change the way I come UP with the weights and so on.... it'll help me to sit BACK and not Down.

Meat muffins

I love it when all I have to do is mix things up and stick 'em in the oven.

Lift with good form and wear warm clothes

Training at home can be a bit chilly. .. now it's very warm, +15C. But later it'll get colder and darker and as soon as I get my new gear (they might arrive tomorrow) I'll be giving the neighbours a bb show 2-4 times a week ;)

The beach ball has nothing to do with my workouts. Kiddo left it there. He was too tired to move it I guess :D

Spitting blood

It's never an easy day when you get off your ass and get back on the horse. ..
I was pretty sick for a while. Not super sick but sick enough to keep away from sports.

.....Just tired now.  Oh so tired :/

I'm still not sure if I should train yet but I tested myself today.
Yeahh.... tested.
Nothing felt normal. I hate it when I don't seem to have any of my strength left but I look like a fxcking whale....

I wore a red shirt.  Maybe that was the problem?  :)

Moving back to North Carelia

I've had dream after dream about moving back to North Carelia this week. .. I still have a house there with my friend but we don't use it much.
I was supposed to travel there this weekend but since kiddo and I were a bit sick we decided to stay home.

Usually in my dreams the house up there is always a bit different or haunted :)
Sometimes the house is closer in Lappeenranta but most of the time the dream deals with Joensuu and its thick forests and sparkling lakes...

Last night everything was painted chalk white. Even the windows. I was prepping the place for kiddo's birthday and setting up a place for the magician  :D

We didn't have any furniture so it didn't look too festive but I knew people would understand.

***

I'm starting slow with my workouts. Tonight I'll do 100 squats and 50+50 split squats. Then maybe 50 military presses and some barbell rows, a 100 will do. I'll use the 20kg barbell. That's all. Nothing fancy. If it's too easy I'll slow down my reps to get a burn. If it gets too hard/heavy I'll use rest pause.
Then it's off to do my stretching and abs...

The Horse

I got sick after kiddo's B-day. A small fever and a lot of aches and pains and a gallon of stuff coming out of my nose.

On Tuesday I remembered that we forgot to serve some of the foods we had prepped for the party... they are still in the  freezer   :D

I'm still feeling a bit sick. Even kiddo got sick for the first time.

Well... I started planning for next week. Since (in my opinion) I'm starting from the beginning again and all I gained in the last month or two is gone (I feel so fxcking fat and lazy) I should just repeat the "lots of food and superslow reps" plan :)
I will jump back in the saddle and beat the shit out of that horse ;)

It's his B-day

Kiddo turns 1 just about now... well, on Wednesday. He's a little astronaut.
First round around the sun.
I hope he gets many more :)

Hotttt

It's been nice and hot. I can't be outside much since kiddo would die if he is outside for too long... he gets to play outside for few minutes few times a day. He's better off inside where it's nice and warm/cool depending on the time of day.

He has his back teeth coming in right now so he has bad nights now and then. I do not want him to have even more bad nights just because he got sunburned or dehydrated from playing outside.

We don't have a pool so the only way to keep cool is to lie under a thick tree or stay inside. :)

Mines, a religious group and my sorry a$$

I finally got that flight booked, the long flight to the USA :)

I had a pit stop in Iceland and I found out that my fight had been cancelled but everyone was getting on a big cruise ship and we would eventually arrive a couple days late.

Wow! A cruise!

I was so lucky!

I walked behind everyone else to our ship. They had a lot of luggage. On the way I noticed a military ship that people were using as a "bridge" to get to another ship that was going back to South Africa.

Me:"Why is that military ship blocking that other ship? Don't you guys have any other places for them over here in Iceland?"

Some random soldier:"It works as a Customs office. Move on,"

Me:"Wait, I'm not going to SA, I'm going to the States."

He pushed me through his ship and slammed me to the ship's (SA) floor.

Me:"I said I have tickets to go to the US!"

The guy:"We'll see if you're going anywhere with that attitude, I'll get my CO.Wait here."

I didn't wait. I sneaked back on the military ship and looked for an open window so I could jump out without anyone noticing, but then......

"FXCK!"

Too late. The ship was already moving and we were no longer attached to the pier.

"shiiiiiit"

I was stuck on that GD military ship with the CO of that idiot of a  soldier looking at my clothes that were not (and I quote) "not issued by the official firm".
"Get ready to dive, dive, dive...!"
Once I heard that I shouted "WTF is going on here?"
CO: "Calm down, unwanted lady. We're here to mine the seas with 15 mines. We're here to do our job. So shut up and learn,"

They dove the ship to 50m and started leaving big, round sea mines to the a mathematical pattern just outside Iceland's borders. I didn't understand WHY they would bother. Who was the enemy? But they did look beautiful, floating out there, all round and spiky... dark balls of hell. Just waiting.

***

It took a while but I got to use my charms... I had the upper hand on things and I found a way out through the kitchen. I was stuck at a religious center and the keepers "of the heard" were fxcking nuts! I heard 'em talking about putting us through a systematic "school for the unwilling". It sounded so bad that I ran.
I found an abandoned elevator shaft but there were two guys sitting there talking. At this point I wasn't even surprised to see them... Bruce and Bruce, Well to be specific it was Bruce Oreck and Bruce Willis chatting along about the right way to shoot the bad guys. I heard a voice inside me say "don't trust the other Bruce, he's an actor."

***

I did A LOT of squats last Wednesday. I still felt it on Friday. I FELT it in every move... I need to eat more.

My squatting had a lot of one legged Bulgarian squats in it but with normal weights 25-45kg x10. I did maybe 6-7 sets. I also did a lot of other basic stuff... It took maybe 2 hours.

Numbers and nothing

So the scale at the gym says I'm 60kg. So the scale at home says I'm not.
So what.
It's still Not 65kg.

So I keep going. Going to the gym and going to the fridge... I keep moving. I keep living this life and enjoying this lifestyle.

I failed in my trial.
I didn't reach my goal weight for midsummer.
So what.
Well.... I try again. It's closer now ;)
It should be easier ;)

I'll make it.
I'll get to my Big goal and I'll push through it to another world :)

I need to get checked.
I need to book an Inbody test.
I want to know where I'm at.

Boring life

There's nothing boring about my life but people do think so.... not a lot of people but even people who know me.

Usually it's all about my food and what I can drink and won't eat.
People worry... they buy stuff that says "fitness" on it (so I can have a snack and not explode) and it's full of sugar (so I eat it but I feel sick afterwards...) or they don't get anything or they buy like a half a carrot for everyone and expect us to eat like mice...
...and still keep asking about my diet (that isn't even a diet) and then they offer their views on eating which are usually "oh, I had half an apple and smelled some bread this morning... I don't really need food but I wish I had muscles..."
WTF?

(And before I start getting "anger mail" again Remember: most of this shit is just fictional stuff. Stop trying to find problems where there are none.)

I didn't go to the gym tonight. Honey is too busy.
I stayed home. Ate. Did some maintenance on my body.
Took a looong shower.

Ate some more :)

Living the good life ;)

BTW, if you know Korean, please contact me and help me with my rice cooker!
Thank you! <3

Midsummer

2014 vs. 2015

Easy fit

There's a gym in Kouvola where the iron is light and the workouts are super.
At least if you're there with Satu. <3

Just shoot the MF...

It was a gun & security show. One of the biggest in Finland. I was on a team of explosive experts and we kept sweeping the show areas with our special equipment (they looked like satellite phones but they were sensors to snif out explosives and dangerous radiation). We had gotten a letter that someone was planning an attack on the Saudi Arabian group who were showing off their new "sand proof" hot fuelling system for just about any petrol operated vehicle or machine.

One of the security checks at the door lead to a fist fight and the sec.officer found a geigermeter on the man.
"Red alert" and we woke up all the dogs. We had 10 bomb dogs and 12 androids  (small monkeys) that started sweeping the areas again. All the bathrooms were cleared and after they had interrogated  (beat the hell up) the guy with the geiger we found a small source of radiation in a garbage bin. It was right in the middle of everything.
We didn't engage at first. We just marked the place, turned our cameras and waited. One of our outside teams started a "fight" with one of the sausage stands and soon after we saw a guy running for the bin. He put his hand in and took out a package. It was the size of a normal sub sandwich but it sure weighed a lot more. We stopped him outside the building and confronted him... An older black guy. Not scared at all. He wasn't a courier. He knew what was going to happen...
Suddenly our boss shot two of our men and jumped in a car an shouted to the black man to jump in. They were in on it together!?!

"What the hell?!" I shouted.
"Ram them with the bus!" We had a bus just coming into the area with the night crew. The busdriver ran into the boss's car wrecking both of their front suspensions. The cars were stuck and we were at a stand off. Our boss told us to leave, to forget about this and trust him. He said he knew what he was doing... Some lf us hesitated. He had only wounded our men when he shot them. I knew I had never trusted that MF. He was going Down!

And I knew this would end badly...

The bus was nearly empty. The driver had been hurt but he was evacuated through the back windows just like the rest of the crew...
Our boss saw his chance. We went for the bus driver's assault rifle as his helper shot random shots into our other cars. I had sneaked into the bus already and I was going for that same rifle. We grabbed it at the same time. He had the stronger grip so he got it out of the rack but I had a good grip on the muzzle and I used it like a spear and poked his guts as hard as I could. He lost his breath and I got the gun.

Safety off - 1 shot in the chest (he had a vest) - I looked around for the other guy as our (ex) boss stumbled back and started to fall out the bus window. I kept my gun ready. I saw the black man looking at me and as he was raising his gun at me he got the shock of his life as somebody shot electrocution rods to his chest. His gun dropped to the ground as his body crouched to the joys of 50 000 Volts.

Embrace every failure

I wrote the headline before I squatted with 120kg on my back.
It took a long time for me to get into the right zone. ... I mean it took more than 5min. And I needed the right song.

At first I just thought it would be ok to just set it down.  To do ONE negative rep.

Hell no.

I can't live or lift like that!
"Oh. I'll just try it but I won't care if I don't make it.."
Fxck no!

I took on the challenge. (Of course I used safety bars.)
And I did it.
3 slow reps. Not down to 90 degrees (the safety bars were just a bit too high) but close enough. (I got it on video)

Shh...HIIT!

I gotta.
I just gotta.

HIIT.
Or just HIT if it's a lazy day...

I'm still following my EAT, REST and only train 4 times a month -program. It's kinda ok but it can make me a bit lazy. So when I finally DO go to the gym I want to do my very best. This means I warm up well but quickly.

I lost the baby... again!

Had a nap. Had a dream. Woke up feeling guilty.

I've been dreaming about going to the States some day and taking part in a Warhouse gymcamp! :)

So I did.
In my dreams, but hey... I had fun And got to meet everyone without spending any money on tickets or time on flying.

I was there with baba. It was the "last camp before xmas" and parts of the gym were ice cold. Dana Linn Bailey was training in front of everybody. She talked about shoulder control on a hard back day... Rob was drinking water next to the shiny trailer. I saw my chance and got his attention by yelling "Rob, I love you!"
(I must be ovulating...)
I talked with Rob, got a great selfie with him and .... and where's the baby?
I remembered carrying him upstairs and checking out the Flag nor Fail "areas". I must have put him down for just a second and... and then I guess I forgot about him?

I ran upstairs and started going through the rooms we had seen... no baby :(
Shit!
Where the fxck is he?!

I was starting to panic. I'm here in Philadelphia and people are expecting Both of us to come back home next month... then I heard it. A weak cry and thumping. Baby came crawling around the corner and he was dragging his sleeping bag with him. He had been crying for a while. I could tell just from his red eyes and the tired movement he still had in him. I lifted him up and he fell asleep against my shoulder <3
"Good boy, baby... good boy."

I walked back downstairs and put kiddo into my extra large gymbag. I sat in the back for the rest of the program. There was an excellent and super motivating speech by Rob about starting your own business and taking the first big risks. ...

Gosh he's GOOD! :)

Because I love you

You sat in your chair by the window. I stood in front of you and blocked part of your view. I wanted to stay close to you. The night was beautiful. All those lights, all those people down there in the streets. We were so high the windows could not be opened for security reasons.
I wept.
Was this our last night together? :(
Why did you have to leave...
"Please don't leave me..." I could hardly talk.
You rubbed your face slowly. You were tired. It had been a long night.
"Babe. It's only for a while. It's my job to go. You know as well as I do that I always come back to you..."
I felt like crying and I hugged you. You held me tight and close. I could hear your heart beat and I felt your warm body...
"I love you." I whispered.

***

I woke up crying again.
Sometimes I have the strongest dreams about men... last night I spent a lifetime with Sir Patrick Stewart again <3
The dream world I have has an overwhelming affect on my days. I still miss Patrick like crazy.
Well... I'm sure he's fine. I  just noticed that he has a wife about my age. :)
(Patrick was born in 1940)
:D

Patrick has been in my dreams before:

http://lafemmefitale.blogspot.fi/2013/07/high-intensity-rest-day.html

<3

Better off last time

Lieing around at home...

2 more hours and it's gym time.

"Rest while you can. Rest and regain your strength.
Grow just a little bit more so you can tare down so much more..."

Not painful enough

I have been listening to a lot of motivational speeches.
I need stuff like that.
I enjoy stuff like that.
I eat it up like cake and I keep asking for more.
Everything Super motivating just tastes like that cake in Pollyanna:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna_%281960_film%29

I saw that movie ten times and I always cried at certain parts... it's just so good.

Maybe I do need to listen to those speeches a lot more than the guy next to me but it can't harm me to keep pumping iron with my mind and my gray brain cells. :)
I get energy just from listening. I learn every time something new. I Know their words help me to focus... Eventually it will make a difference. I don't care if I have to listen to them a hundred times. I Feel better after every video. It's like candy and cake... carbs for my brains.

I've been writing letters to people I know as well as to people I've never met. Some of them have answered back and some of them I Know are too busy to ever even notice....

Why am I doing all this you might ask. Why do I reach out and start a conversation with people who don't know me or used to know me as someone else...
Why not.

Good timing is now.
Live now and you might not regret as much later  ;)

But all those speeches... won't I feel bad about not being as motivated and "on my right track" as all of them?

No.
It's not a race.
Well it is a race to a certain degree but I'm the only competitor. So the better I do the better the all time world record will be :)

So...
Enjoy the process. A hard thing for me to remember but an important thing for all of us to keep in mind. Enjoy the trip. Look out side and take pictures. Get lost and find your way. Take more pictures. Remember. Learn. Enjoy.

Love the life you have or change it for the better.

Everything takes time. Sometimes it's good to just sit down and look at the world.

Joy.
It is not hard.

If you don't feel like it then just fxck it all. Don't givea fxck for a while and you'll reboot. Don't worry.
It's Your world too ;)

Up!

I don't know why but when I was just about to give up and put my barbell back on the rack I started yelling "UP!" with all my (super slow) reps. It helped. I got 5 more reps out of me and I didn't even cheat too much. 
I was looking for the sweet spot so I had to experiment a little  ;)

But hey, "UP!" is the new imaginary coach  :)

I had 80kg on my back because I had snapped it earlier this week. I didn't want to stress it too much. 100kg would have been too much so I stuck to my 80 and did my sets with it.

The bar kept slipping down my traps and I couldn't feel anything in my quads. Most of the work went into my glutes and hams... oh well. I got some good slooooow reps out of that last set.

Big men

Ronnie Coleman... He's huge, he's strong and I think he's cute too :)

But in my dream he was an ordinary guy. No background in bodybuilding. He wasn't muscular or athletic. He was a normal but fat guy... he was on America's biggest looser and he had made it to the top 4! I kept cheering for him. I wanted him to win! He was my favorite and I knew he had it in him to win anything he puts his mind to.

Ronnie Coleman, 8x Mr Olympia

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronnie_Coleman

Mika Nyyssölä... I got some kind of a weird super liking to this guy. He's the Happiest bodybuilder in Finland and in my mind he's the most interesting personality in the (Finnish) bb business. I hope I get a chance to work with him or for him in the future  <3

In my dream we were at his loft and he needed help moving his sofas. He had 10 sofas up there! Why couldn't he ask some of his big boy friends to come over!
Jesus, I was SO tired after all that moving and he didn't even let me stay over to recover 'cause he was in a hurry to go to the gym with his wife :D

www.mikanyyssola.fi

Snap

I snapped my back yesterday.
I was carrying kiddo and as I put him down I felt a hot/electric pain in my lower back. On both sides of my L4.
I couldn't move well after that and for the rest of the day I had to just sneak around after the baby or lie on my back. Thank goodness he can walk. I don't have to lift him up from the ground anymore. And it's enough that his feet touch the ground when I set him down somewhere.

I used a cold bag for my back and sprayed some magnesium oil on it too.
Still.... I had to take a painkiller so I could sleep right. And I had my normal stuff at night with baby: feeding and teething  ;)

Something, something

It's Sunday night. I'm done for this week.

59kg

I'm bigger.
I'm better.
I'm stronger.

I need more.
I need 6 more ;)
Then I'll start my shredfest.

But if I get up to 62kg by Juhannus I will get myself  (and kiddo) tickets to the new world.

A letter to myself

I should write a letter to myself. Just like when I was a kid. I used to write a lot!  :)

I'll write all the basic stuff : how I am doing and what's hot & not...
And I'll try to imagine what my life is like 5 years from now :)

I'll read it after ~1800 days and I hope I'll smile with all my heart.

I've been having the hardest time plotting my nearby future because I'm just too messed up with all the possibilities.

So I stopped planning and started living.
I'm Being all ME.

I am everything I want to be.
Right NOW.
:)