Saturday, November 29, 2014

That MFing idiot...

I'm so sick of people who fuxk things up...
I was at the local (public) gym. A short, angry guy kept dropping his weights after his sets. What an a-hole :-C

He had 140kg in his hands and after every set he would drop it.
He broke the floor.

It's a public gym. Nothing gets fixed. It's not a good gym.
Still, it's no reason to keep smashing things around..

Friday, November 28, 2014

No rest, creepy dreams

For the last 3 nights I've been in a world of pain... soft, creepy pain that can be stopped if I take meds in my dreams. Yes, meds in my dreams! It actually works!

Honey gave me painkillers in a dream and the pain in my upper back and neck disappeared for the rest of the dream :) I even woke up happy. It was just until I tried to get out of bed when the stabbing feeling hit me again and I was back to being crippled in a semi-sad way...

***

I'm trying to decide if I want to sleep on the living room floor again... I bought a new bed today. Hard as an iglu couch. But it will not be delivered until after X-mas :/

Oh well... I better make my evening omelet and do some stretching. If everything goes well I'll even get a small (yeah right, hard core all the way) shoulder workout into this night's program.

The meaning of (my) life

If you've read the Little Prince (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Little_Prince) you know what I'm wondering about...

The fox always gets me... he kills me...

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. . . . It’s the time that you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important. . . . People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said, “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose. . . .” 

I've talked about this fox with a friend of mine he seems to get it. It's clear and easy to him... but my head just won't wrap around it. I do understand everything (understanding is not the problem), I just don't WANT for the fox to leave... I don't want for the flower to ever wither. I don't want the fairy tale to end. 
The neverending story, that's my life. 


www.etsy.com


I can't live without an happy ending, for everyone.

Is it impossible?

No, it is not. ;)

Thursday, November 27, 2014

I'm sleeping in the living room

Well... Here it is. The stiff neck problem escalated. I need a harder surface so I'm sleeping on the floor with kiddo.
Honey was out for the night so we tested the floor: perfect. Lights went out around 18:45 and I didn't wake up until he got back around 21:00.
I need a futon to sleep well ;)

Maybe I should get a support mechanism for my neck...?

Darn... I can't go to a massage on Saturday. None of my mates are working then... hmmm. Maybe I could think of some kind of a trick to massage myself with a tennis ball...

Oh god, I need meds.... :/

AND I KEEP LOSING WEIGHT! AAARGGH!!

Playing home

I'm the neighbor's cat and kiddo is the mailman.
We pretty much stayed outside half the day...

Neck feels better but the mornings are the worst.
And I'm still ONLY 58kg :(

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Mamma mia

Abba day :)
Baby and I are getting all romantic and singing along in our undies to the movie Mamma Mia! :)
My neck/back is feeling a lot better.

It sure is nice to see our son so happy about Abba ;)
I wonder if he'll still love it when he's 20? :D

Over worked

I broke my neck... A problem with my muscles around C7. The area is over worked from breast feeding on a Soft bed and from my normal heavy/crazy work outs.

I have -more than- 50% of my normal range of motion left. I have to drag my head around by lifting and pulling it by hand. I have Great posture ;) but that's about it. Standing up straight is easy, but everything else is shit.

Kiddo is fine. I can do everything he needs me to <3
I just do things a bit slower and differently.

I hope I'll snap out of this by tomorrow. Or sooner ;)

Yes. It hurts.
Most of the time.
I'm even thinking about going to the hospital but I need honey to drive me. I can't even leave the house...
Thank god I have undone chores :)


still in beast mode after a normal workout
after my "my C7 is shit" workout... I can't move my head
kiddo loves TV so much ... Not :D

Monday, November 24, 2014

58

Mornings start at 58kg.
Not happy.
Need help.

Weekend was hmmm, OK... at least my workouts were GOLDEN :)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Ready & hungry

I'm done.
I got my massage school finished and after the celebrations I'll drive home.
Tired, happy and eager to breast feed our baba.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Blood, sweat and...

...more blood.
My female bits blew up on Monday. I've been bleeding like a stabbed pig all week.
Oh god I'm so tired...
But I'm getting everything done :)
I'm doing really well at school and with All the exams and tests :)
I want to slee-eeep when I finally get home on Thursday <3

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I just gave up!

My mornings start just under 59kg :(
Yesterday I gave myself one of those "load 'em carbs" days... This morning I woke up just above 58kg.
I ssssuck at this...

I'm tired of fxcking things up by living as well as I can. I want to be BIG and Strong and it's harder than before 'cause I don't have the appetite for food right now.
So what's Really wrong? ;)

No... no new baby.
Nothing like that to my knowledge.
I'm just pissed off at my wanker diet and ass hole training split.
I do not have a clear plan.

Do I lack the will to win and succeed?
I'm still just living from one Small goal to another and it doesn't work.
I need a schedule :)

I need it to last all the way to 12/2016.

I need more than just a paper on the fridge to tell me what to eat and when. I need more than a plan to train quickly in the evenings after baba is in la-la land. I need more than a happy 2400kcal/day and 0 weight gain to show for it... I want fxcking RESULTS!!!

So... back to the main topic.
Have I really given up?
NO.
Of course not.
I've lost some fat and although it makes me look smaller and nicer I'm still aiming for MORE weight, more muscle and more "iron in my diet" ;)

Only I know what's wrong with this body...

So how do I start?... This is how:

1. I test myself at home with different exercises to see how strong/weak I am. Just something basic like push ups, chin ups, ab+back exercises and running. These I'll do this Monday :)

2. I write up the diet that I'm going to use for the next 3 months and I plan my carb loading days to work with my work outs. This will be done today (actually it's already done).

3. I plan and write up my workouts (I'll just copy something old/good and give it a new twist) and I'll give myself a 3 week split: strenght, speed, volume. This will be done next Thursday night <3

4. I'll make time for 4 gym nights per week and I'll spice 'em up with 7 long walks (with baby) and 2 short runs. The nights must be flexible and I will not care if they are all back to back. -CHECK!

What could possibly go wrong: I'll get sick (not gonna happen), baby gets sick (I hope not, he's never been sick), honey gets sick... see the pattern? All my worries are about people getting sick, Not about being bored or too tired or busy. So no matter what happens, my Worries are very small.

Lets do this! :D
...
But not yet. Next week I'm on a trip -Again- and it messes everything up :/

But I'll start my diet NOW and by next Friday morning I'll start my (new) workouts. I'll stick to my old workouts 'till then ;) (no rest)

Oh Boy, do I feel better again :)
I have a plan for the next 3 months :)
By then I'll have my next photo shoot and kiddo will be much bigger :) And after 3 months I'll KNOW When I'll compete again <3 (right now my weight is a huge problem)...so I'll know if I really need More help with my diet. 



Saturday, November 15, 2014

Why do they die?

My cousin died. His dad died too.
That was all my dream wanted to say.

Why do people die in dreams?

When I was little my friend told me that it only means that they'll live a very long time (in real life) if they die in dreams... well that's stupid! I should start killing people in my dream world if that actually helped!?

***

My back hurts. Our bed is too soft. It's too old and it's more like a pit than a place to rest.
We went looking for a new bed and when we tested some of the hard mattresses I could FEEL that a better future would come to my dream world as soon as we got a better BED! :)

I love it when I can tell the future just by being quiet for a while <3

Friday, November 14, 2014

The worst yoga I've ever been to

Last night I got a card that said: "Come to yoga, have yoga with us, yoga is good."
So I went.

It was shit.

About 20 women got stuffed into a small room with a cold floor. I found a spot by the emergency door and wondered if the room would heat up at some point. The lady who was giving the course told us to lie on the floor and just listen to the music.

What?

This is it? This is yoga?

A woman on my right side kept coming closer... she kept saying that the whole idea was to snuggle and giggle for an hour. (What the f...)

After few minutes of the cold floor, shitty music and an over interested co-yogist I got out of there. I told the yogi-lady (or what ever) that I'm not paying for anything and that she can just stop sending me cards.

I'm never going to yoga.

Don't try this in real life

It wasn't my idea. For some reason I got pulled into a stunt involving a jetski, a power boat, a huge ramp in the river Mississippi and something resembling a death wish...

Here's a drawing of the ramp and what the stunt was about:


The ramp is 10m high and it has a 50cm vertical bit on the top. The idea was that the power boat pulled us (at the same time) over the ramp and it would be a some kind of a world record (The Longest airtime with one woman and one dude -on a jetski- over the river Mississippi). The ramp should throw us higher and longer but as I found out all it did was that the jetski made it -just and just- but my rope snapped at the highest point and I got slammed into the water back first. 

I remember the horror of being pulled like a limp doll over the ramp and seeing that last bit of ramp closing in... I remember wondering if it would hurt much to break both my legs and probably end up dead in the water, or be eaten by crocs... I remember the guy on the jetski said that he didn't want me up the flying by his side. Who the hell was this guy? I never want to see him again.

New life

Kiddo's been around for months now. I wonder how he likes it...
I talk to him a lot. But I mostly whisper. He'll propably think he's deaf or then he'll grow ears like a bat. I really should talk louder... but I'm used to whispering and being quiet when big, important stuff is up.
I articulate well and I use grownup language. Still... It would help if he actually heard me?


+1 C

Thursday, November 13, 2014

S.A.

Last night I was back in South Africa :)

We had a picnic by a green lake and I kept wondering if crocs wound eat my toes if I walked around in the shallow water...
We drove around different towns and for some reason I got a needle stuck between my Th12 & L1 in a local hospital. It hurt a bit. But it didn't seem to do anything (I could still move my legs and lower body, I had feeling in them too)

Later on in the dream we went to the airport to board our plane.
And again just like in SO many of my dreams the flight was destined to fly straight to Iceland. I don't understand the magic with that island?.. I've never been there and we're in no hurry to go there either. Still it pops up in to my dreams every week...

I think we got to Iceland but I was in the middle of a Russian mafia battle and my BMW (I had a Big one this time <3 and it had an American old school V8 engine in it <3 ) kept getting shot at... Some men came up to me while I was trying to find my way out of a sand pit. They pushed their way in to the car and tried to shoot me with a star pistol. I got one of them with his own gun but the other shot my seat. Burning leather and blood from my fists made the dream "thinner"... I woke up.
Stupid Iceland.
Stupid mafia and their weird guns.

I had FUN in S.A. I hope I can go back again, soon :)

napping with baba

Cardio test

We went for a walk ~1 hour = 150kcal.

We spent an hour at home. I did wifey stuff and kiddo did his back work out and slept = 100 kcal.

+1 C

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Good night

Sleep tight...
I'm done with the real world for today.
Kiddo and I are heading to sleepy land (we'll wake up every now and then...) :)
I've got my hopes for this night's dreams and I'm bringing back a few ghosts. We'll see in the morning how well I did and with whom.
;)

The forbidden...

...BREAD.

I stopped eating bread again. (For the next 4 weeks or so.)
I'm cleaning up... bread makes me feel too full. It's hard to eat more if I'm full all the time.

Bread doesn't like this.
I smell it everywhere. It creeps up to me in the grocery store... It looks better than EVER... it calls me in my dreams and I find myself thinking about it constantly.

God damn CARBS!

Forbidden bread... I also had a nightmare about spending too much money on clothes that kept disappearing. I was broke, naked and stuffing bread in to my face. Talk about a hellish night :/

Kiddo got some porridge this week. I'll make him more and try not to go crazy from the smell of it <3 hmmm, porridge <3


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

the wrong wormhole

I took the wrong wormhole home last night... My spaceship got pulled to a faraway place in deep space. A green planet pulled me towards it. Two blue moons, one with a beautiful ring around it, made my ship shake and roll...
I know that planet.
I know the creatures that live there. The shadow people.

The stars were astonishing... I wanted to stay there. Under those new blue and yellow stars.

But it was not the way home.
I powered up my warp drive and took off...


Get over it

Last week left it's marks... I had a mental hangover for days. It was in a good way but I was SO glad it ended on Sunday.

But then... something still kept creeping up and I found myself in a state of loss, I still missed my old job... so bad that when I went for a walk yesterday I felt like I was walking back from a funeral. No... more like a wake.

Last time it took me months to get over it. I guess I never did?
Could this time be any different?

I don't think so and I don't care. So I'll never let go. So fxcking what!

I have a life, a different life, right now.

I'll still keep taking risks and living big.
This life is NOW and it's ALL MINE ;)

So fxck the hangover and keep it as a pleasant memory <3
Some day I might be called back again so I better be OK about it :)

One day it's my turn to leave marks...

Saturday, November 8, 2014

The lover

I went back... Back in time.
The ghost from my past was there... My old love. My old job.
I think I still love it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Fun in the s... Rain.

...this week I'm back in my old life.
"Army stuff all week..."
The food is not... hmmm, not good. Bread and potatoes every day.
It's dark and rainy.
Coffee is hot and the days are long.
Friday = click-click, Boom!! ;) ;)
That's about all I'll say.


Saturday, November 1, 2014

No pain no gain?

What the hell happened last Monday? I had a leg day and pushed up 200kg (+ the weight of the leg press) six times. I did 5 or 6 sets on that leg press (all together) but my legs were fine All week!
Did it really happen? Maybe I have a mental strength that did the pushing?? I got it on video.
Haaa! I need to use more weight!?! ;)

A zombie in a volvo

It's that fun night again. Every "bad hair day" is out having fun with false teeth and a rubber nose :)
I just saw a zombie driving a volvo.
We're not going out for candy and fun. But I did go out for a quick shoulder workout...
Iron is still getting lighter as I get better. Every week I can grab more weights and make 'em my bitches :-P
Two more nights at home and then I have to go away for a week. I miss my honey and kiddo already :/
I don't have winter tires on my car yet. I hope it won't snow.
I hope no-one crashes into Me either.