Saturday, August 30, 2014

it's bad...

it's THIS bad ;D


no practice and still a tight feel in my lower abs...

need time

need food

need a GOAL 

;)

8w pp


It's almost 8 weeks now... 8 weeks of food, rest, water, walks, happy things and a happy baby. My body surpriced me today with a gift from "fuxk you world". I got my period.
I've been SO happy not bleeding like a wounded animal every month and having a super hygienic feel to my life. I Hate this shit.
Fxck!
***
So I had my 2nd leg day today. Just some light squatting, nothing deep. Some sets for my back and some crappy posing. I was in a hurry... Poses suck so bad if I don't have time to Think while I move...
This week I didn't eat right. I had sweet potatoes on Monday and protein bars on Wednesday and Thursday and a piece of bread on Friday... I think I even drank 2-3 liters of milk. I sucked this week.
I had a reason. I had a BIG exam.

It's not a good reason. It's not like my head fell of. The exam went well. I even learned new things.
But I fxcked up my diet for this week and I can't fix it. I'll just have to get back on the elephant and  keep going for 2 more weeks and hope that I didn't just eat away my muscles by being an idiot for a week...

Sunday, August 24, 2014

First choice

And for my first Gym day I pick....... Squats!! ...with a little back & shoulder action on the side :)
A 30min workout and a massive sweat fest :-D

after 7 weeks this felt like going to a funpark :)

not a lot but it's there...
I feel so small :(
(and a bit fat in the wrong places)

oh well... better get home and keep eating. That's where the magic happens. In my stomach ;)

Friday, August 22, 2014

Milk

Just after a few minutes... I'm starting to freeze my milk for kiddo. Just in case :) I'll pump about 10-15min /side next Saturday and again next week...

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

the end of the world

Last night the world ended...

Las Vegas came to Helsinki...
A 300m high pyramid had been built in the middle of Helsinki. It was full of theaters, hotels, casinos, restaurants, museums, clubs etc. I was a beautiful work of engineering :)

A subspace hole appeared in the bottom bits of the pyramid... near the water world for kiddos. It was some kind of a wormhole between worlds.

Shiny, beautiful, glowing "rainbow people" kept coming out and making everyone (who even thought about them) to act neutral and calm. We couldn't kill them or hurt them or even look at them wrongly. Some kind of magical wind blew over the whole city and even affected people who only heard about them or just saw pictures...

It was the most peaceful takeover that I've ever seen.

The humanoids resembled that silver surfer dude but they had this "rainbow glow" to them... so they were chrome surfers?

The "neutralizing wind" was like a drug. Everyone wanted more. Even when the true intentions of the aliens started to become clearer...

I was so TOTALLY neutralized that I've forgotten their intentions. I just remember from the dream that I want to go back and "float around in that sweet nothingness" that their wind does to human brains...

***

In the real world: Kiddo slept for 5 hours before he wanted his first night time snack... crazy night ;)

Less talk more work

Are you still just talking about doing things? Still wondering out loud if you should...? Or could... Or would if you just had the time, discipline, money, right connections, better friends, a nicer wife, a bigger car, someone elses life and abs...

Are you so full of excuses that you can't even tell what the reality really IS in your life. Are you sleeping through your life Waiting for things to come to you and if nothing good ever happens you just wonder that "it's not meant to happen to You"... Are you a fuxking lamb?

Wake the fuxk up and start living your life the way you want it. Take small steps or big. Stay clean and help others. Don't worry about falling down. When everyone else can get up around you and push you down on their way out, only you can Keep yourself down if you just don't care enough... Wake up. Get up. Live. (Lift that shit up.)

Take the first step if you've never even tried.

"...What's the worst that can happen?..."
--> Thank You Bruce <3
I still think about those long talks we had and I listen to that perfect R of yours ;)

Monday, August 18, 2014

Can you top this?

Last night I went to a "friend's house"... she lived in a mansion over looking a dark sea and a small, old town. It was the end of August and the nights were getting darker. Street lights made the small roads and narrow alleys look so romantic as we walked around her mansion and looked at some of her "winter flowers" and other exotic plants she had.

The house had 2 floors.

The bedrooms were on the second floor. So was my room. The guest room with a small train track that brought food from the kitchen.
It was an all you can eat night at the mansion!! :)

I ordered different ice-creams and cakes and lots of coffee.
A voice in the small intercom said: "the food shall arrive in two hours"

Me and my friend took our time changing into some nicer socks (? I don't know why?) and went to the hallway to look at the artwork and other handmade art. Even the carpets were sown in Nepal (or so she said).

Most of the ambience came from the golden artefacts and peach color in the walls (some kind of super glamorous wallpaper).

I went back into my room to wait for the little train to bring me my treats. I sat on the bed. The linen were new. Un ironed and smelled like plastic.

I just got this bad feeling...

I heard the train in the room next door.
I stopped for a while and the continued to my room. The track ran all around my room and disappeared into the wall where it continues in the next room again...

The little doors opened.

I didn't smell coffee or cakes.
I didn't see ice-cream or anything that I liked.

The little train was dragging carts with silver serving trays on them. On those service trays were cut off pieces of different humans. I could tell there were at least 6 different men and women cut up into pieces, large pieces. The blood dripped from the bits of meat and flesh... The insides of the (pieces of) corpses had not been taken out but they had been tied up with string so that the muscles and guts wouldn't fall out.

***

I know my anatomy studies might invade my dream world but shiiiiit....
this was some sick stuff!!

***

A bit later I woke up and fed our son...
I hope he only sees dreams of happy faces and warm milk :)

Saturday, August 16, 2014

A bucket of ice

What will it take to wake some people up...
I wonder if I'll get lazy and take the easy way out sometimes with our son? I wonder if I'll mess with his head too much or too little just because "it's easier to do things quickly than in a teaching/guiding way"... I wonder if I'll be blind to my own mistakes and just run through problems or pass by opportunities while trying to teach him the "hard parts of being a human".

I wonder if I'll teach him how to kill for food through hunting or if I'll teach him about death through hunting... I wonder when he'll get his first knife? I wonder if he'll want to fly like I and his father have done?
Will he be a race driver or a mechanic? Will he like guns or pillows? Will he be a "cat person"?
I wonder if he'll fall in love before he's 7? ...will he move to Japan, join a rock band, get dumped by his girlfriend and find a new love in the sleepless nights of neon lights...

Will he look at this world as a planet in a universe or as a cage inside a fenced zoo?

When will our son find His reason to live? Will he embrace it or let it slip? Will he Love his soulmate or search his whole life and not find her/him...
Will he miss me when I'm gone?


I hope it won't be hard for him to see the reality of life at a very young age.
The Reality:
- the cool parts are often in the little details ;)
- you are never Really alone
- time is not a piece of string
- be ready, it might happen... Anything!
- stay strong and keep up the good work :)
- Love, so fucking what if it hurts sometimes.
- ***


Friday, August 15, 2014

A bad day

My worst day of the week might well be Tuesday...
I hate that f***ing day to bits.
You see, I get to eat whatever I want on Saturdays (sometimes on Sundays too) so the sugar rush wears off by Tuesday.

So by Wednesday I'm a food-robot... the kind that doesn't give a shit. Just eats what she finds packed away in the fridge and then drinks a gallon of water to kill the pain (the pain of not having porridge and bread and jam and bananas and mmmm...)
On a bad day I MISS my sugar and sweets & I hate my eggs and meat...

WHEN I make it to Thursday I'm fine and happy... BUT that darn Tuesday.
Gosh.

But hey:

DO THE WORK.
EAT RIGHT if that's all you CAN do.

So Fuck Tuesday.
It'll end. It always goes away by the next morning ;)

5,5 weeks pp


Put your finger in it

I can just about stick one finger between my abs... it's getting very tight.

I won't train them yet but I'm happy with the situation :)

The next competition is in...

...I'm still working on that. I need to check my body composition and get several smaller projects done first :)

I won't compete sooner than next year. That's a hard fact.


I dream big... so am I crazy or what?

My dreams and hopes don't make me any stranger than the next gal.

So WHY is it that if you share your hopes or dreams or (just) ideas ... you get shit for it?
No, not from everyone. And NOT always in a bad way. Sometimes people just don't listen long enough or they don't ask the right questions before they dump their own misery on you.

It's the same with dieting and working out and living normally without following the "norm"...

What are those crazy dreams that some other Finns can't handle without going bananas and thinking that I must be a bad mother or a manic fitness feline... (or what ever)

Traveling

Places I would LIKE to see:

The mountains and (bear) forests of Montana (USA), I would go to a diner on Saturday morning and have waffles with jam and whipped cream :)

Texas and Colorado, Texas for the rodeos and palmtrees and cars, Colorado for it's nature parks, straight roads and that "Springs" place ;D

Canada, south parts, especially a city with a small border crossing place with the USA, I would have a small takeaway coffee and it would not even go cold during the crossing :)

The Pacific, maybe somewhere around California... I won't swim in it though! Too many Jaws movies... but I would go to a surf shop and check out the board waxes :)

A skiing resort somewhere in central Europe... just to wear retro clothes and drink a mint chocolate cocoa while wearing a fur hat :)

Life style

No need to explain these ;)

Stay fit and stay lean (well GET -back- lean)

Eat well, eat CLEAN and enjoy food (enjoy Every week of my life)

Work, work, work. I won't just "sit on the bus" and wait for my life to pass me by. I will NOT wait for the weekend to come! Waiting around and HOPING for shit to happen doesn't bring results... I will make MY life HAPPEN :)  

Life may be short but it sure takes a hell of a long time to get it done right :)
So why not enjoy it?

Are you enjoying your life?

Are you?

...

I'll write more about my dreams and hopes later.
Whenever I want to.




5,5 weeks pp

I see a fat ass... but I also see a lot of potential to make it even bigger ;)

A tired face after a hot shower... sorry about that :)

I can't hit my poses as well as I should. My abs are still recovering from the operation and I think I've lost A LOT of muscle from my delts and glutes :(

Sweet dreams... Not

I watch too many fat programs and horror shows...

Last night I helped and older guy (in his 40's) to sew his eyes shut. He was FAT. He had had his boobs removed too.
A week went by and he came back to have his "stitches" removed from his eyes... I removed 1 then another... his eye started to open. Slowly he turned his eye ball and looked at me with dislike and told me to patch him up again. He was furious that his eyes would not stay closed. He did not want to see anymore.

I don't understand why it was my job to help him.
Stupid man.
Go haunt somebody else's dreams!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Laundry day

Kiddo has issues with milk. He loves it. He also burps it up a lot. He can do it in a cute way and in a satanic way...
I wash a lot of laundry. Mostly clothes. I also wipe the floors here and there and just about everywhere ;) some rugs have it rough too.
Our kiddo is a healthy, happy boy :)

Killer hogs

Bad dreams even when everything else is going smoothly...

I had a really cool car last night. A 4 wheeler, no roof, BIG tires, short body, rusty white paint... The works. I drove down to a dried up lake to test it in the mud when I saw these 2 fat idiots (men) with shotguns. They were hanging around a big hog. It looked like they wanted to slaughter it...
Like I said, they were idiots. One of 'em took a shot at the pigs scull and missed by a long shot... He shot his friends foot off! The piggy (the size of a hippo) smelled the blood a attacked the wounded idiot. He screamed and ended up shooting his friend in the face.
A long story short: my super cool car dream ended up being a horror story about 2 idiots getting eaten alive by a huge hog.
Shit.
I  hate bad dreams.
Sick shit.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Some dreams

Most of my dreams hang around Europe again. I find myself near the Alps or in a creepy old city with wild animals (bears and moose's and foxes) on the streets.

Last night I went back to the hospital to get my clothes... It kept turning into some of my old schools and eventually I found myself in a floating round hotel (doughnut shape). I went to a cafe and had ice-cream and sandwiches :)

Oh... They tasted SO good! ;)
My next "eat what you want" day is Saturday. No treats 'til then :/

1st month

1st month... Check! ;)



My waist is 82cm 
("belly button height")....

Thursday, August 7, 2014

4,5weeks pp

The pic I forgot...
Morning started at 60kg again.

in a perfect light and with a small twist ;)

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

a 2x4

My opinion:

Having a kid is like owning a "2x4" (a piece of wood/timber, a thick plank, 2 inches x 4 inches).
You can do what ever You want with it :)

All you need is some inspiration, the right tools and plenty of time and motivation <3

You can travel and relax and build and hold up things and enjoy the sun and swim and play in the mud and go for a run and...
Just GO FOR IT!

Put more ideas on your table and GO OUT and make them come true. Make YOUR life a reality. It's ok to fail. It's Not ok to sleep through your whole life and keep waiting for the fucking weekend to come 'cause eventually: IT MIGHT NOT COME WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR IT.

Let you imagination fly and you can do what ever you ever wanted with your perfect 2x4.

This is my opinion.

*Fuck the rest*



SLEEP
;)

Kiddo gets his names

Kiddo has had a name for ...errr... for months now.

We didn't name him Arnold, Bruce, John or any of the other cool "moviestar names" that I like. He got his own names.
The first one connects him to me and honey and is easy to pronounce and write anywhere in the world. The second is to keep him safe, to remind him that he can make miracles happen, that he too is special and loved.
His last name is the name we all shall have some beautiful day :)

Arnold <3
(the Eraser)

4 weeks postpartum

I'm already close to (and some mornings under) 60kg :/

This is not good.
My weight went down too quickly :/

No, I'm not mad. I had a wish. I hoped that I could shred while I drop some of my "baby fat"... I guess I just dropped the extra weight (and extra water) super fast and now I'm just 2-4kg FAT?

Aargh... oh well.
I still have all the time in the world.
Fuck the scale! :D

I will keep eating and walking and drinking water and keeping an eye on my abs <3
My pretty little abs are coming back. I saw some shadows this morning!! My upper abs are getting closer... they are maybe 3-4cm apart? I'm not sure. It's still too soon to make serious checks...

I should post a picture. I'll take one tomorrow morning :)

;)

Here I come.