Sunday, May 31, 2015

Something, something

It's Sunday night. I'm done for this week.

59kg

I'm bigger.
I'm better.
I'm stronger.

I need more.
I need 6 more ;)
Then I'll start my shredfest.

But if I get up to 62kg by Juhannus I will get myself  (and kiddo) tickets to the new world.

A letter to myself

I should write a letter to myself. Just like when I was a kid. I used to write a lot!  :)

I'll write all the basic stuff : how I am doing and what's hot & not...
And I'll try to imagine what my life is like 5 years from now :)

I'll read it after ~1800 days and I hope I'll smile with all my heart.

I've been having the hardest time plotting my nearby future because I'm just too messed up with all the possibilities.

So I stopped planning and started living.
I'm Being all ME.

I am everything I want to be.
Right NOW.
:)

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Lying and lieing

Or was I leaning. ..

.... Don't give a fxck.

Lift that bitch up!

60kg keeps coming closer. Every week. Every dinner. Every snack. Every set...
Every night...

:)

And I look like a shaky shit in the mirror.  So what. :D

Certified citizen

We bought new winter tyres this week from a normal civilian. What I mean is that we did not go to a tyre shop but we did stop by a nice house and met a fun guy with cool cars :D

Well... we didn't have exact change so honey ended up paying online on the guy's laptop. It's just as safe as giving paper money but it takes a while and the seller might feel jumpy until the money finds it's way to his bank. (Even when he writes his own account number and sees the exchange beeing made...)

I started thinking about finding a way to make deals like this more relaxing... what if we had a system that kept a record of everyone who was "a good citizen" and worth trusting blindly...

Yeah... hmmm...
This sounds kinda familiar? Hmmm..

If everyone had a microchip that would keep a virtual profile of the person on it and if I were -let's say- selling my violin and I only want to sell it to a certain type of person. I could rank my buyers before letting them come see my violin...
Hmmm...
Why do I keep thinking that the Natzis already tried something like this...

Sounds like something the school teachers warned us about in the 90's... about the end of the world and the coming of the antichrist. I guess I went to school in the 1690's.

:D

What a crappy idea.

Let's just stick to talking BS and antiBS and not trusting anyone...blindly.

Homo erectus

Well he's a walker now :)
We tried cutting his hair again but he still hates it.
I've always wondered why some kids look like shit all the time but now I know: they hate getting a hair cut and they hate clothes. Basically they hate looking like everybody else.
Ok. "Hate" is a Strong word but it's the right one.
We've all seen some crazy shit... kids can hate just as much and even with more passion than us older versions of a hairless ape...

Kids can also forget with more speed than others... ;)

I think he's getting another hair cut next year ;)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

10 Steps

Kiddo took 8 steps yesterday. Today he took 10 :)
He'll be walking in no time :)

Can I trust...

I'm having issues with my workouts and diet.
I'm (hardly) gaining body weight but I can move 20-30% more weight around in one set...

My biggest issue is with my body weight and composition. I know I don't look fat nor am I even close to a fatty anyhow. .....but...... I was hoping to pile on the pounds by now. I'm sticking with the program and I've lost a ton of worries and stress last week so I should feel free as a bird. A fxcking flamingo! ......but...... I'm still not getting bigger??

Or am I? ....
I bought a pair of pants today (on sale).
They are Large. Not Small, not even Medium. LARGE. And they fxcking fit like a glove!

So.... my issues.... bull shit ;)

I need food and I need a sauna night :)

Wau. What a crappy picture of my new good pants.

Friday, May 22, 2015

1st week

So did I gain weight or fat?

Well it started looking bad in the middle even though I was eating everything and the wallpaper. .. then I got a shock of my life when I thought I might be seriously sick.... got over that and went on a road trip with kiddo and spent two nights in Helsinki.

Felt better and kept eating like it was my biggest joy in life :)
Went to (super stuffed) Ikea and nearly remembered to visit Varusteleka... we got some small things to make life easier and safer  <3

Had my 3rd workout (3/8) and found that I'm much stronger than in my 1st work out ;) I nearly doubled my reps. This means I get to add 5kg to the 2 sets in my next A workout.

Sooo.... did I gain weight:

Yes.
Kinda.
Not alot.

Aaargh. .....

I think I might have a worm in me?

I want to read that book

I wake up.
I brush my teeth and stare at my image in the mirror.
Am I too fat? No.
Too skinny? No.
Too soft? No.
Too old? No.
Am I not worthy...? I used to think "yes"...

I used to push things away just because I couldn't reach them perfectly.
"If I can't make it happen in an instant, or better and quicker than anyone else then it makes me uninteresting and unworthy to be better than others."
My goals were to reach a better ME but they were reflections of other humans and other lifes.

Oh fxck...

Did I think this way about everything?  Of course not. But those small moments when I thought less of myself just to give space to others...
(Space? What fxcking space and Who are these others? !)
...when I left my parking brake on just to "help" others feel better about their crappy choices, I actually kept shutting the door in front of my own face.

I didn't do it often but doing it even once a year would fxck up my personal life for weeks...

As I think back, and I hate this, I've done more wrong to myself than anyone else could ever have accomplished.
I am my own worst enemy...

Thankfully I'm also my own best friend and Maker.
I reflect everything and I absorb anything that comes my way. Some of it sticks to me and I use it in my life and some bounce right off or get ripped off if I find it unusable.

So back to the top... about being worthy.

Even asking that question now is an insult from me to me. :)
The Right questions must be asked, YES. But at the same time the unnecessary questions can be dropped.
Am I worthy? Yes. Move on.

But then what are the right WORDS to say to myself in the morning?
"Words have power." I heard it several times this Friday. And even though this is one of the things I do remember, I don't use it as much as I need to. (Sorry Bruce. I must be the slowest learner on this planet... but thanks for kicking me around every now and then.)

The right words help to push you forward. The right words let you express yourself and they allow you to live successfully before you've even started.
So don't say:"I Should read that book so I'll learn from it." or "I Should do this diet so I'll get leaner and look/feel better."
Instead of motivating yourself with promises of a better future why not motivate yourself with a promise of a better life right Now...
"I Want to read that book."
"I want to do this diet."

And do it.

Have - Do - Be

B. I'm starting to feel like I owe my life to you... :)


This is really hard...
I love the way it gives me pain...
It's really important and so simple and so, so hard (for me)...

I'll start by asking myself questions:

"How do you live your life? Do you search daily for ways to be successful or famous or just a better You? Do look for the beginning of the "road to your future" in education or career or something that can be measured?"

Look at the headline again and read it backwards. BE - DO - HAVE.

What if you first decide who you ARE instead of trying to find the perfect combination of education and experience to fill your CV... (my CV... this is what I've always done: Looked good on paper so I can prove myself in ways that can be measured.)

What if, after deciding to BE who you want to BE, it would actually be more possible to DO what you've always wanted to DO... (how simple is that! ;) )

And then, after all that, you'll HAVE that thing/feeling/mater/life/stuff that you need to be successful in your line of work etc.

I'm leaving this post short for a reason.
If anyone reads this and wonders about it I want them to fill in the blanks for themselves...

I know I still have a lot of blank spots in my life...

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Good Morning

Gratitude journal:

Our son makes me So Happy every day <3

We are healthy and safe :)

I feel like I have less "baggage" every day :)

I have a bright future and all I have to do is accept it... ;)


* * *


The future... I need to make choices... this year... big ones... just me doing the choosing... fxck.

I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna live my life the way it was always meant to be lived. :)

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" every fxcking day! ;D

Monday, May 18, 2015

4 weeks

What is 4 weeks.

It's less than 700 hours.
It's 28 days.
It's 4 cheat meals.
It's 8 workouts.
It's -äääh- it's a LOT of chicken...

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Intentionally reacting

Stop.
Think.
Intentionally think about what you want to do.
Do it.

Do not just React to every fxcking thing like an ape.
Take a sec. Think.
Make your move based on intentionally and thoughtfully made decisions.

2, 2, 1

You have 2 ears, 2 eyes, 1mouth... use them in that order.

Calm, collected and composed

I plan a lot.
I watch a lot of TV too.
I watch documentaries and movies and cartoons (for kiddo)... I'm watching a documentary about steroids right now. It's  actually a very boring one...

I know enough about douping and steroids to stay away from them but when kiddo gets older and he sees how we live, how we train, how we eat and treat our bodies I hope and pray that he will not feel the need to grow like crazy in a very short time.
Sometimes I wonder if I could keep him so occupied in life that he would Never feel that his body is not enough. But he was born human... he was born an individual and anything and everything I do or say to him will still pass through His brain and He makes the choices in his life.

Maybe I could still program him a bit?  ;)

Bring it!

I've got my plans printed.
I've got my supplements counted.
I've got my fish and broccoli and turkey and rice and all that shit waiting in the fridge.
I've got it all and I'm ready to do the time.
4 weeks in "jail"... 4 weeks living a life that does not resemble a life I would call "normal"...
Only 4 weeks and if I make it, if I reach my goal, I promised to give myself and kiddo a present (at least I) we would not forget.

;)

Friday, May 15, 2015

13 hours

Last night was a loooong one. Baba and I  slept for 13 hours. Sure he had a lot of milk and I changed his nappie and I went to the toilet and drank water and wondered about having something to eat but the night didn't end until 8am when we decided that we were hungry and bored.
Sometimes it is like a heaven on earth to sleep late and wake up happy 'cause all you have to do is get up and walk to the kitchen, open the fridge and make some breakfast and coffee <3

We're very lucky.
We must Never forget that all of this is here and that it is Real. We are truly safe and happy. We have the right to feel good. We also have the right to help others have this too.

It's all about honest decisions...
Honest decisions in our lifes ;)

12 seconds

He can stand in one place by himself for about 10-12 seconds :)
In this pic I helped him up and he watched the telly for a while. 

I'm not sure if he quits because he gets tired or because he wants to go somewhere else?...

The ball

I got so excited when kiddo learned to throw the ball to me :) but now he throws it just about anywhere and mostly under the sofa. I guess he likes to see me crawl... he also likes to throw the little stuffed pig around and books and wooden blocks and his socks :D

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Soldier mode

One more weekend and my "4 weeks of hell" is ON!
I'm not going with the first idea. It had 6 workouts in a week. I'm actually testing a 2 workouts per week program  :)

There is more time to recover.
There's also a lot of time to eat... that's where the gains are.

First I kill myself at the gym and then I fill up the holes in my muscles with clean eating... rest for a day or two or three and do it all over again.

Kiddo will not notice much.
Mummy just keeps eating like it was her job ;)

I hope the weather stays clear and summer comes soon... I hope I make it.

I hope kiddo learns to walk ;)
He's so close! He has also figured out how to force little wooden blocks into the box with the different holes on it :)
And he tries to talk every day. I'm not picking up any specific "words" yet but he makes a lot of different sounds and sometimes they are the same "scream" in the same situations. Usually my answer is:"honey-bunny, please stop banging on the window/door/machine/my face..."

Saturday, May 9, 2015

To go insane or to not

I have a new idea of what I should try at the gym...
It's only a 4 week program but it has so many supersets and days of thunder in it that if I finish it without losing weight I should probably call myself "Mike". It's fxcking brutal but it is calling me... mmmmm..... gosh, I want to try it.  Crap, it would mean going to the gym around 10 pm so I can have all the equipment I need to myself. ..... holy crap. I'll never sleep

Should I?
...
:)
Really?....

I should get another Inbody check up done next winter.... just to see inside me.
Next year is not supposed to be important but who knows...

Every Day is important to a degree.
Every chance is worth taking and remembering....

Punked myself

I tested my body with that Inbody test again.
My goals had been
- to add lean mass to my legs
- to add fat to my body

Well I won.
But that's it. It was not the big win I was hoping for. It was nothing huge and nothing that makes me feel like I've actually worked my fxcking ass off these last 3 months.

FXCK!

...

I felt good and like shit at the same time.
But that's just me.

Tomorrow is the day of mothers and others... to me it doesn't feel like a reason to feel special. I'm special every fxcking day. Kiddo sees me and he goes crazy with love :)
If he could run he would, but he just crawls like crazy and climbs up my leg to hug me. <3
He's my perfect son and he's going to take over the fxcking world! ;)

Friday, May 8, 2015

"Memories" from my old life...

Satisfice

Something to think about.

I personally can't live like she writes - not all the time. But I'm gonna pick my battles  ;)

https://medium.com/@EmiliaLahti/satisficing-how-to-reach-your-best-by-not-giving-a-damn-3b9854826277

Thursday, May 7, 2015

You walked back in

You came back into my life... I saw you coming and it made me smile.
Maybe you heard my heart jump... and then it missed a beat. "Oh my god. You."

I missed you. All this time I've been thinking about you, and us. How we met. How you used to make me feel... how my legs turned to spaghetti and my mouth would mumble every time I started a sentence.

You. <3

How do you do it?

...you made yourself visible to me and I got lost in my life again..

I've known you for years but sometimes it feels like we've just met. Sometimes at night I'm afraid to move or you might disappear again. It hurts when you go. It hurts inside.

I want more time with you.

I want you to stay.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Dropping things and leaving things behind to make space

I've done a bunch of stuff this week...

I quit from 3 facebook groups (that I don't even need) and I sold a few items I don't use anymore. I sent stuff -that I've been hanging on to for no reason- to people who might need them.

I'm cleaning up my life again. I switched the sofas around in the living room and I went on a long walk with baba and I sent some novels to a "publisher" to see if they like 'em and I might earn a few bucks...

I'm making plans and planning my future while planning to plan to succeed :) Planning to plan better :D HAH!

I finally found my golden pen. It marks anything. I'm going to write my name on my lifting belt so people will stop wondering if I stole it from the gym (it looks JUST like the belt we have there)...

In a hurry to get nowhere

Since I have the right to do what ever I want I've been testing to add some of my pre workout supplement to my morning vitamins. Not a lot but enough to get some extra energy to push baba around on our morning walks.

Why I'm doing this?

I'm testing to see if it works better than just having coffee and if it will not make me pee as much ;)

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Lift - bitch!

I took another day off. Last time I was at the gym was last Saturday... ooohhh... I need rest and I need time to get my writing together.

I'm working on a (Finnish) book and on a movie script. I love working on both of them but it takes so much more time to be creative than to just lift heavy shit and take a shower afterwards ;)

I still write short stories every now and then. I've started printing some of them out to see them in "real light". It actually helps to see physical proof of the stuff I've tapped on the keyboard. I feel much better about the time I spend in my own thoughts and imagination now :)

And kiddo is almost walking. He can stand by himself for several seconds and he uses his walking Brio -thing every day all by himself :)

New music from The Hustle Standard

I love these guys <3

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ5uYEtgfNqdLYfsBR1l9sQ


I (always) need to be in control

I don't give a fxck.

I always need to be in control of my own fxcking life.

I don't care what others think. It's my life and I'm the one who's living it :)
But I do listen to others and I worry.... I worry they'll ware me down, pull me under and make me dull.

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" I want to be the one who looks through my eyes and sees my deeds and feels my needs.
I want to go out and do it.

I'm on my way now and no one's going to stop me. They may trip me or push me around but like I keep telling kiddo "sometimes we fall down, but we always get up" :)