Boring life

There's nothing boring about my life but people do think so.... not a lot of people but even people who know me.

Usually it's all about my food and what I can drink and won't eat.
People worry... they buy stuff that says "fitness" on it (so I can have a snack and not explode) and it's full of sugar (so I eat it but I feel sick afterwards...) or they don't get anything or they buy like a half a carrot for everyone and expect us to eat like mice...
...and still keep asking about my diet (that isn't even a diet) and then they offer their views on eating which are usually "oh, I had half an apple and smelled some bread this morning... I don't really need food but I wish I had muscles..."
WTF?

(And before I start getting "anger mail" again Remember: most of this shit is just fictional stuff. Stop trying to find problems where there are none.)

I didn't go to the gym tonight. Honey is too busy.
I stayed home. Ate. Did some maintenance on my body.
Took a looong shower.

Ate some more :)

Living the good life ;)

BTW, if you know Korean, please contact me and help me with my rice cooker!
Thank you! <3

Midsummer

2014 vs. 2015

Easy fit

There's a gym in Kouvola where the iron is light and the workouts are super.
At least if you're there with Satu. <3

Just shoot the MF...

It was a gun & security show. One of the biggest in Finland. I was on a team of explosive experts and we kept sweeping the show areas with our special equipment (they looked like satellite phones but they were sensors to snif out explosives and dangerous radiation). We had gotten a letter that someone was planning an attack on the Saudi Arabian group who were showing off their new "sand proof" hot fuelling system for just about any petrol operated vehicle or machine.

One of the security checks at the door lead to a fist fight and the sec.officer found a geigermeter on the man.
"Red alert" and we woke up all the dogs. We had 10 bomb dogs and 12 androids  (small monkeys) that started sweeping the areas again. All the bathrooms were cleared and after they had interrogated  (beat the hell up) the guy with the geiger we found a small source of radiation in a garbage bin. It was right in the middle of everything.
We didn't engage at first. We just marked the place, turned our cameras and waited. One of our outside teams started a "fight" with one of the sausage stands and soon after we saw a guy running for the bin. He put his hand in and took out a package. It was the size of a normal sub sandwich but it sure weighed a lot more. We stopped him outside the building and confronted him... An older black guy. Not scared at all. He wasn't a courier. He knew what was going to happen...
Suddenly our boss shot two of our men and jumped in a car an shouted to the black man to jump in. They were in on it together!?!

"What the hell?!" I shouted.
"Ram them with the bus!" We had a bus just coming into the area with the night crew. The busdriver ran into the boss's car wrecking both of their front suspensions. The cars were stuck and we were at a stand off. Our boss told us to leave, to forget about this and trust him. He said he knew what he was doing... Some lf us hesitated. He had only wounded our men when he shot them. I knew I had never trusted that MF. He was going Down!

And I knew this would end badly...

The bus was nearly empty. The driver had been hurt but he was evacuated through the back windows just like the rest of the crew...
Our boss saw his chance. We went for the bus driver's assault rifle as his helper shot random shots into our other cars. I had sneaked into the bus already and I was going for that same rifle. We grabbed it at the same time. He had the stronger grip so he got it out of the rack but I had a good grip on the muzzle and I used it like a spear and poked his guts as hard as I could. He lost his breath and I got the gun.

Safety off - 1 shot in the chest (he had a vest) - I looked around for the other guy as our (ex) boss stumbled back and started to fall out the bus window. I kept my gun ready. I saw the black man looking at me and as he was raising his gun at me he got the shock of his life as somebody shot electrocution rods to his chest. His gun dropped to the ground as his body crouched to the joys of 50 000 Volts.

Embrace every failure

I wrote the headline before I squatted with 120kg on my back.
It took a long time for me to get into the right zone. ... I mean it took more than 5min. And I needed the right song.

At first I just thought it would be ok to just set it down.  To do ONE negative rep.

Hell no.

I can't live or lift like that!
"Oh. I'll just try it but I won't care if I don't make it.."
Fxck no!

I took on the challenge. (Of course I used safety bars.)
And I did it.
3 slow reps. Not down to 90 degrees (the safety bars were just a bit too high) but close enough. (I got it on video)

Shh...HIIT!

I gotta.
I just gotta.

HIIT.
Or just HIT if it's a lazy day...

I'm still following my EAT, REST and only train 4 times a month -program. It's kinda ok but it can make me a bit lazy. So when I finally DO go to the gym I want to do my very best. This means I warm up well but quickly.

I lost the baby... again!

Had a nap. Had a dream. Woke up feeling guilty.

I've been dreaming about going to the States some day and taking part in a Warhouse gymcamp! :)

So I did.
In my dreams, but hey... I had fun And got to meet everyone without spending any money on tickets or time on flying.

I was there with baba. It was the "last camp before xmas" and parts of the gym were ice cold. Dana Linn Bailey was training in front of everybody. She talked about shoulder control on a hard back day... Rob was drinking water next to the shiny trailer. I saw my chance and got his attention by yelling "Rob, I love you!"
(I must be ovulating...)
I talked with Rob, got a great selfie with him and .... and where's the baby?
I remembered carrying him upstairs and checking out the Flag nor Fail "areas". I must have put him down for just a second and... and then I guess I forgot about him?

I ran upstairs and started going through the rooms we had seen... no baby :(
Shit!
Where the fxck is he?!

I was starting to panic. I'm here in Philadelphia and people are expecting Both of us to come back home next month... then I heard it. A weak cry and thumping. Baby came crawling around the corner and he was dragging his sleeping bag with him. He had been crying for a while. I could tell just from his red eyes and the tired movement he still had in him. I lifted him up and he fell asleep against my shoulder <3
"Good boy, baby... good boy."

I walked back downstairs and put kiddo into my extra large gymbag. I sat in the back for the rest of the program. There was an excellent and super motivating speech by Rob about starting your own business and taking the first big risks. ...

Gosh he's GOOD! :)

Because I love you

You sat in your chair by the window. I stood in front of you and blocked part of your view. I wanted to stay close to you. The night was beautiful. All those lights, all those people down there in the streets. We were so high the windows could not be opened for security reasons.
I wept.
Was this our last night together? :(
Why did you have to leave...
"Please don't leave me..." I could hardly talk.
You rubbed your face slowly. You were tired. It had been a long night.
"Babe. It's only for a while. It's my job to go. You know as well as I do that I always come back to you..."
I felt like crying and I hugged you. You held me tight and close. I could hear your heart beat and I felt your warm body...
"I love you." I whispered.

***

I woke up crying again.
Sometimes I have the strongest dreams about men... last night I spent a lifetime with Sir Patrick Stewart again <3
The dream world I have has an overwhelming affect on my days. I still miss Patrick like crazy.
Well... I'm sure he's fine. I  just noticed that he has a wife about my age. :)
(Patrick was born in 1940)
:D

Patrick has been in my dreams before:

http://lafemmefitale.blogspot.fi/2013/07/high-intensity-rest-day.html

<3

Better off last time

Lieing around at home...

2 more hours and it's gym time.

"Rest while you can. Rest and regain your strength.
Grow just a little bit more so you can tare down so much more..."

Not painful enough

I have been listening to a lot of motivational speeches.
I need stuff like that.
I enjoy stuff like that.
I eat it up like cake and I keep asking for more.
Everything Super motivating just tastes like that cake in Pollyanna:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pollyanna_%281960_film%29

I saw that movie ten times and I always cried at certain parts... it's just so good.

Maybe I do need to listen to those speeches a lot more than the guy next to me but it can't harm me to keep pumping iron with my mind and my gray brain cells. :)
I get energy just from listening. I learn every time something new. I Know their words help me to focus... Eventually it will make a difference. I don't care if I have to listen to them a hundred times. I Feel better after every video. It's like candy and cake... carbs for my brains.

I've been writing letters to people I know as well as to people I've never met. Some of them have answered back and some of them I Know are too busy to ever even notice....

Why am I doing all this you might ask. Why do I reach out and start a conversation with people who don't know me or used to know me as someone else...
Why not.

Good timing is now.
Live now and you might not regret as much later  ;)

But all those speeches... won't I feel bad about not being as motivated and "on my right track" as all of them?

No.
It's not a race.
Well it is a race to a certain degree but I'm the only competitor. So the better I do the better the all time world record will be :)

So...
Enjoy the process. A hard thing for me to remember but an important thing for all of us to keep in mind. Enjoy the trip. Look out side and take pictures. Get lost and find your way. Take more pictures. Remember. Learn. Enjoy.

Love the life you have or change it for the better.

Everything takes time. Sometimes it's good to just sit down and look at the world.

Joy.
It is not hard.

If you don't feel like it then just fxck it all. Don't givea fxck for a while and you'll reboot. Don't worry.
It's Your world too ;)

Up!

I don't know why but when I was just about to give up and put my barbell back on the rack I started yelling "UP!" with all my (super slow) reps. It helped. I got 5 more reps out of me and I didn't even cheat too much. 
I was looking for the sweet spot so I had to experiment a little  ;)

But hey, "UP!" is the new imaginary coach  :)

I had 80kg on my back because I had snapped it earlier this week. I didn't want to stress it too much. 100kg would have been too much so I stuck to my 80 and did my sets with it.

The bar kept slipping down my traps and I couldn't feel anything in my quads. Most of the work went into my glutes and hams... oh well. I got some good slooooow reps out of that last set.

Big men

Ronnie Coleman... He's huge, he's strong and I think he's cute too :)

But in my dream he was an ordinary guy. No background in bodybuilding. He wasn't muscular or athletic. He was a normal but fat guy... he was on America's biggest looser and he had made it to the top 4! I kept cheering for him. I wanted him to win! He was my favorite and I knew he had it in him to win anything he puts his mind to.

Ronnie Coleman, 8x Mr Olympia

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ronnie_Coleman

Mika Nyyssölä... I got some kind of a weird super liking to this guy. He's the Happiest bodybuilder in Finland and in my mind he's the most interesting personality in the (Finnish) bb business. I hope I get a chance to work with him or for him in the future  <3

In my dream we were at his loft and he needed help moving his sofas. He had 10 sofas up there! Why couldn't he ask some of his big boy friends to come over!
Jesus, I was SO tired after all that moving and he didn't even let me stay over to recover 'cause he was in a hurry to go to the gym with his wife :D

www.mikanyyssola.fi

Snap

I snapped my back yesterday.
I was carrying kiddo and as I put him down I felt a hot/electric pain in my lower back. On both sides of my L4.
I couldn't move well after that and for the rest of the day I had to just sneak around after the baby or lie on my back. Thank goodness he can walk. I don't have to lift him up from the ground anymore. And it's enough that his feet touch the ground when I set him down somewhere.

I used a cold bag for my back and sprayed some magnesium oil on it too.
Still.... I had to take a painkiller so I could sleep right. And I had my normal stuff at night with baby: feeding and teething  ;)

Something, something

It's Sunday night. I'm done for this week.

59kg

I'm bigger.
I'm better.
I'm stronger.

I need more.
I need 6 more ;)
Then I'll start my shredfest.

But if I get up to 62kg by Juhannus I will get myself  (and kiddo) tickets to the new world.

A letter to myself

I should write a letter to myself. Just like when I was a kid. I used to write a lot!  :)

I'll write all the basic stuff : how I am doing and what's hot & not...
And I'll try to imagine what my life is like 5 years from now :)

I'll read it after ~1800 days and I hope I'll smile with all my heart.

I've been having the hardest time plotting my nearby future because I'm just too messed up with all the possibilities.

So I stopped planning and started living.
I'm Being all ME.

I am everything I want to be.
Right NOW.
:)

Lying and lieing

Or was I leaning. ..

.... Don't give a fxck.

Lift that bitch up!

60kg keeps coming closer. Every week. Every dinner. Every snack. Every set...
Every night...

:)

And I look like a shaky shit in the mirror.  So what. :D

Certified citizen

We bought new winter tyres this week from a normal civilian. What I mean is that we did not go to a tyre shop but we did stop by a nice house and met a fun guy with cool cars :D

Well... we didn't have exact change so honey ended up paying online on the guy's laptop. It's just as safe as giving paper money but it takes a while and the seller might feel jumpy until the money finds it's way to his bank. (Even when he writes his own account number and sees the exchange beeing made...)

I started thinking about finding a way to make deals like this more relaxing... what if we had a system that kept a record of everyone who was "a good citizen" and worth trusting blindly...

Yeah... hmmm...
This sounds kinda familiar? Hmmm..

If everyone had a microchip that would keep a virtual profile of the person on it and if I were -let's say- selling my violin and I only want to sell it to a certain type of person. I could rank my buyers before letting them come see my violin...
Hmmm...
Why do I keep thinking that the Natzis already tried something like this...

Sounds like something the school teachers warned us about in the 90's... about the end of the world and the coming of the antichrist. I guess I went to school in the 1690's.

:D

What a crappy idea.

Let's just stick to talking BS and antiBS and not trusting anyone...blindly.

Homo erectus

Well he's a walker now :)
We tried cutting his hair again but he still hates it.
I've always wondered why some kids look like shit all the time but now I know: they hate getting a hair cut and they hate clothes. Basically they hate looking like everybody else.
Ok. "Hate" is a Strong word but it's the right one.
We've all seen some crazy shit... kids can hate just as much and even with more passion than us older versions of a hairless ape...

Kids can also forget with more speed than others... ;)

I think he's getting another hair cut next year ;)

10 Steps

Kiddo took 8 steps yesterday. Today he took 10 :)
He'll be walking in no time :)

Can I trust...

I'm having issues with my workouts and diet.
I'm (hardly) gaining body weight but I can move 20-30% more weight around in one set...

My biggest issue is with my body weight and composition. I know I don't look fat nor am I even close to a fatty anyhow. .....but...... I was hoping to pile on the pounds by now. I'm sticking with the program and I've lost a ton of worries and stress last week so I should feel free as a bird. A fxcking flamingo! ......but...... I'm still not getting bigger??

Or am I? ....
I bought a pair of pants today (on sale).
They are Large. Not Small, not even Medium. LARGE. And they fxcking fit like a glove!

So.... my issues.... bull shit ;)

I need food and I need a sauna night :)

Wau. What a crappy picture of my new good pants.

1st week

So did I gain weight or fat?

Well it started looking bad in the middle even though I was eating everything and the wallpaper. .. then I got a shock of my life when I thought I might be seriously sick.... got over that and went on a road trip with kiddo and spent two nights in Helsinki.

Felt better and kept eating like it was my biggest joy in life :)
Went to (super stuffed) Ikea and nearly remembered to visit Varusteleka... we got some small things to make life easier and safer  <3

Had my 3rd workout (3/8) and found that I'm much stronger than in my 1st work out ;) I nearly doubled my reps. This means I get to add 5kg to the 2 sets in my next A workout.

Sooo.... did I gain weight:

Yes.
Kinda.
Not alot.

Aaargh. .....

I think I might have a worm in me?

I want to read that book

I wake up.
I brush my teeth and stare at my image in the mirror.
Am I too fat? No.
Too skinny? No.
Too soft? No.
Too old? No.
Am I not worthy...? I used to think "yes"...

I used to push things away just because I couldn't reach them perfectly.
"If I can't make it happen in an instant, or better and quicker than anyone else then it makes me uninteresting and unworthy to be better than others."
My goals were to reach a better ME but they were reflections of other humans and other lifes.

Oh fxck...

Did I think this way about everything?  Of course not. But those small moments when I thought less of myself just to give space to others...
(Space? What fxcking space and Who are these others? !)
...when I left my parking brake on just to "help" others feel better about their crappy choices, I actually kept shutting the door in front of my own face.

I didn't do it often but doing it even once a year would fxck up my personal life for weeks...

As I think back, and I hate this, I've done more wrong to myself than anyone else could ever have accomplished.
I am my own worst enemy...

Thankfully I'm also my own best friend and Maker.
I reflect everything and I absorb anything that comes my way. Some of it sticks to me and I use it in my life and some bounce right off or get ripped off if I find it unusable.

So back to the top... about being worthy.

Even asking that question now is an insult from me to me. :)
The Right questions must be asked, YES. But at the same time the unnecessary questions can be dropped.
Am I worthy? Yes. Move on.

But then what are the right WORDS to say to myself in the morning?
"Words have power." I heard it several times this Friday. And even though this is one of the things I do remember, I don't use it as much as I need to. (Sorry Bruce. I must be the slowest learner on this planet... but thanks for kicking me around every now and then.)

The right words help to push you forward. The right words let you express yourself and they allow you to live successfully before you've even started.
So don't say:"I Should read that book so I'll learn from it." or "I Should do this diet so I'll get leaner and look/feel better."
Instead of motivating yourself with promises of a better future why not motivate yourself with a promise of a better life right Now...
"I Want to read that book."
"I want to do this diet."

And do it.

Have - Do - Be

B. I'm starting to feel like I owe my life to you... :)

This is really hard...
I love the way it gives me pain...
It's really important and so simple and so, so hard (for me)...

I'll start by asking myself questions:

"How do you live your life? Do you search daily for ways to be successful or famous or just a better You? Do look for the beginning of the "road to your future" in education or career or something that can be measured?"

Look at the headline again and read it backwards. BE - DO - HAVE.

What if you first decide who you ARE instead of trying to find the perfect combination of education and experience to fill your CV... (my CV... this is what I've always done: Looked good on paper so I can prove myself in ways that can be measured.)

What if, after deciding to BE who you want to BE, it would actually be more possible to DO what you've always wanted to DO... (how simple is that! ;) )

And then, after all that, you'll HAVE that thing/feeling/mater/life/stuff that you need to be successful in your line of work etc.

I'm leaving this post short for a reason.
If anyone reads this and wonders about it I want them to fill in the blanks for themselves...

I know I still have a lot of blank spots in my life...

Good Morning

Gratitude journal:

Our son makes me So Happy every day <3

We are healthy and safe :)

I feel like I have less "baggage" every day :)

I have a bright future and all I have to do is accept it... ;)

* * *

The future... I need to make choices... this year... big ones... just me doing the choosing... fxck.

I'm gonna do it!

I'm gonna live my life the way it was always meant to be lived. :)

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" every fxcking day! ;D

4 weeks

What is 4 weeks.

It's less than 700 hours.
It's 28 days.
It's 4 cheat meals.
It's 8 workouts.
It's -äääh- it's a LOT of chicken...

Intentionally reacting

Stop.
Think.
Intentionally think about what you want to do.
Do it.

Do not just React to every fxcking thing like an ape.
Take a sec. Think.
Make your move based on intentionally and thoughtfully made decisions.

2, 2, 1

You have 2 ears, 2 eyes, 1mouth... use them in that order.

Calm, collected and composed

I plan a lot.
I watch a lot of TV too.
I watch documentaries and movies and cartoons (for kiddo)... I'm watching a documentary about steroids right now. It's  actually a very boring one...

I know enough about douping and steroids to stay away from them but when kiddo gets older and he sees how we live, how we train, how we eat and treat our bodies I hope and pray that he will not feel the need to grow like crazy in a very short time.
Sometimes I wonder if I could keep him so occupied in life that he would Never feel that his body is not enough. But he was born human... he was born an individual and anything and everything I do or say to him will still pass through His brain and He makes the choices in his life.

Maybe I could still program him a bit?  ;)

Bring it!

I've got my plans printed.
I've got my supplements counted.
I've got my fish and broccoli and turkey and rice and all that shit waiting in the fridge.
I've got it all and I'm ready to do the time.
4 weeks in "jail"... 4 weeks living a life that does not resemble a life I would call "normal"...
Only 4 weeks and if I make it, if I reach my goal, I promised to give myself and kiddo a present (at least I) we would not forget.

;)

13 hours

Last night was a loooong one. Baba and I  slept for 13 hours. Sure he had a lot of milk and I changed his nappie and I went to the toilet and drank water and wondered about having something to eat but the night didn't end until 8am when we decided that we were hungry and bored.
Sometimes it is like a heaven on earth to sleep late and wake up happy 'cause all you have to do is get up and walk to the kitchen, open the fridge and make some breakfast and coffee <3

We're very lucky.
We must Never forget that all of this is here and that it is Real. We are truly safe and happy. We have the right to feel good. We also have the right to help others have this too.

It's all about honest decisions...
Honest decisions in our lifes ;)

12 seconds

He can stand in one place by himself for about 10-12 seconds :)
In this pic I helped him up and he watched the telly for a while. 

I'm not sure if he quits because he gets tired or because he wants to go somewhere else?...

The ball

I got so excited when kiddo learned to throw the ball to me :) but now he throws it just about anywhere and mostly under the sofa. I guess he likes to see me crawl... he also likes to throw the little stuffed pig around and books and wooden blocks and his socks :D

Soldier mode

One more weekend and my "4 weeks of hell" is ON!
I'm not going with the first idea. It had 6 workouts in a week. I'm actually testing a 2 workouts per week program  :)

There is more time to recover.
There's also a lot of time to eat... that's where the gains are.

First I kill myself at the gym and then I fill up the holes in my muscles with clean eating... rest for a day or two or three and do it all over again.

Kiddo will not notice much.
Mummy just keeps eating like it was her job ;)

I hope the weather stays clear and summer comes soon... I hope I make it.

I hope kiddo learns to walk ;)
He's so close! He has also figured out how to force little wooden blocks into the box with the different holes on it :)
And he tries to talk every day. I'm not picking up any specific "words" yet but he makes a lot of different sounds and sometimes they are the same "scream" in the same situations. Usually my answer is:"honey-bunny, please stop banging on the window/door/machine/my face..."

To go insane or to not

I have a new idea of what I should try at the gym...
It's only a 4 week program but it has so many supersets and days of thunder in it that if I finish it without losing weight I should probably call myself "Mike". It's fxcking brutal but it is calling me... mmmmm..... gosh, I want to try it.  Crap, it would mean going to the gym around 10 pm so I can have all the equipment I need to myself. ..... holy crap. I'll never sleep

Should I?
...
:)
Really?....

I should get another Inbody check up done next winter.... just to see inside me.
Next year is not supposed to be important but who knows...

Every Day is important to a degree.
Every chance is worth taking and remembering....

Punked myself

I tested my body with that Inbody test again.
My goals had been
- to add lean mass to my legs
- to add fat to my body

Well I won.
But that's it. It was not the big win I was hoping for. It was nothing huge and nothing that makes me feel like I've actually worked my fxcking ass off these last 3 months.

FXCK!

...

I felt good and like shit at the same time.
But that's just me.

Tomorrow is the day of mothers and others... to me it doesn't feel like a reason to feel special. I'm special every fxcking day. Kiddo sees me and he goes crazy with love :)
If he could run he would, but he just crawls like crazy and climbs up my leg to hug me. <3
He's my perfect son and he's going to take over the fxcking world! ;)

"Memories" from my old life...

Satisfice

Something to think about.

I personally can't live like she writes - not all the time. But I'm gonna pick my battles  ;)

https://medium.com/@EmiliaLahti/satisficing-how-to-reach-your-best-by-not-giving-a-damn-3b9854826277

You walked back in

You came back into my life... I saw you coming and it made me smile.
Maybe you heard my heart jump... and then it missed a beat. "Oh my god. You."

I missed you. All this time I've been thinking about you, and us. How we met. How you used to make me feel... how my legs turned to spaghetti and my mouth would mumble every time I started a sentence.

You. <3

How do you do it?

...you made yourself visible to me and I got lost in my life again..

I've known you for years but sometimes it feels like we've just met. Sometimes at night I'm afraid to move or you might disappear again. It hurts when you go. It hurts inside.

I want more time with you.

I want you to stay.

Dropping things and leaving things behind to make space

I've done a bunch of stuff this week...

I quit from 3 facebook groups (that I don't even need) and I sold a few items I don't use anymore. I sent stuff -that I've been hanging on to for no reason- to people who might need them.

I'm cleaning up my life again. I switched the sofas around in the living room and I went on a long walk with baba and I sent some novels to a "publisher" to see if they like 'em and I might earn a few bucks...

I'm making plans and planning my future while planning to plan to succeed :) Planning to plan better :D HAH!

I finally found my golden pen. It marks anything. I'm going to write my name on my lifting belt so people will stop wondering if I stole it from the gym (it looks JUST like the belt we have there)...

In a hurry to get nowhere

Since I have the right to do what ever I want I've been testing to add some of my pre workout supplement to my morning vitamins. Not a lot but enough to get some extra energy to push baba around on our morning walks.

Why I'm doing this?

I'm testing to see if it works better than just having coffee and if it will not make me pee as much ;)

Lift - bitch!

I took another day off. Last time I was at the gym was last Saturday... ooohhh... I need rest and I need time to get my writing together.

I'm working on a (Finnish) book and on a movie script. I love working on both of them but it takes so much more time to be creative than to just lift heavy shit and take a shower afterwards ;)

I still write short stories every now and then. I've started printing some of them out to see them in "real light". It actually helps to see physical proof of the stuff I've tapped on the keyboard. I feel much better about the time I spend in my own thoughts and imagination now :)

And kiddo is almost walking. He can stand by himself for several seconds and he uses his walking Brio -thing every day all by himself :)

New music from The Hustle Standard

I love these guys <3

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ5uYEtgfNqdLYfsBR1l9sQ

I (always) need to be in control

I don't give a fxck.

I always need to be in control of my own fxcking life.

I don't care what others think. It's my life and I'm the one who's living it :)

But I do listen to others and I worry.... I worry they'll ware me down, pull me under and make me dull.

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" I want to be the one who looks through my eyes and sees my deeds and feels my needs.
I want to go out and do it.

I'm on my way now and no one's going to stop me. They may trip me or push me around but like I keep telling kiddo "sometimes we fall down, but we always get up" :)

Party smart

It's both a warm day and the sun came out :)

Kiddo is very tired... too many games to play ;)

I don't feel anything

It has come to my knowledge -again- that I am unable to use any kind of hormonal birth control. 

So fxck that. 

If my body turns into an unfeeling, super strong machine that doesn't give a fxck about anything or anyone when I'm on some kind of female hormone then I will rather quit early than try to hang in there and hope that everything will be ok some day. .....

My leg day was one of the best ever BUT I don't need a great 2 hours if the rest of the day is cold and empty. 

The Fat lady don't sing, no.

That pink ball is my belly.
I'm still on a mission to get a bit "fat" so I can get VERY BIG.

It's not easy. I'm still under 60kg.
I'm even thinking about cheating. .... eating super fatty foods and pizza on every Friday. .... ;)

But they make my a bit sick and then I under eat like a bird the next day. .... so no point in cheating. ....

Oh yes..... those female bits are broken Again. I must have somekinds of beta versions in there 'cause they work exactly the wrong way around. I wouldn't even be surprised if I got pregnant again. God damn baby machine  :/

Stupid female bits.
I'm going to see the doc again. She'll know what to do.

Live, learn, wtf...

I've been testing again.
Instead of taking my usual cocktail of "wake me ups" before a work out I've started drinking a basic "2 scoops of protein + 1 scoop of carbs" in 0,4l of water...
Well it WORKS.
I HAVE CRAZY MORE ENERGY AT THE GYM. I can lift the World up if I want to ;)

So I think I'll stick to this new found energy source and forget about the old way of eating a heavy lunch, waiting 2-3 hours and then taking my pre workout and the warming up my muscles slowly ans steadily. .... fxck that.
Drink it, lift it, slam it, enjoy it.

:)

On shaky legs

I gave it all I could that day, that leg day. Had I only eaten more that day I could have given it even More... more and more. Always more.

Nothing ever seems enough without the "more" added later... the added "more" gives me the right to come back and do more, live more, blow shit up more and kill it...

...More...
I love you.

Letting go

Letting go of loved ones...
Sometimes my dreams tell me sad stories. I'm forced to let go of old friendships or lovers... my dreams don't tell things straight up. They hint about people, sometimes they show faces and those people tell me their goodbyes...
But the reality is that I'm actually talking to myself. I'm saying goodbye to my old self. My old lifestyles or habits or needs. I'm growing every day. Every day is a gift.
Never stop growing. Never settle. Never say "this is the best I can do with my life".

Never stop living.
:)

I feel nothing

What does it feel like to rest and stay awake at the same time?... to sleep and work...

When the body sleeps but the mind wonders in valleys and flys over hillsides with more things and stuff and ideas piling up under it's shadow.

I rarely stay awake half the night. For some reason I still feel well rested and mostly happy the next morning.
It might have something to do with the ability to solve most of my "problems" that night... :)

I'm better

Oh boy these pics turn to crap after I upload them... 4G my ass.

Well I didn't star this blog to make a statement trough my pictures...

It was my first chest day for the week and I kept surprising myself :)

I could grab dumbbells up to 21kg and still do a GOOD set in the incline bench, I had no problems when doing my one hand rows on a 36kg db and when it was time to finish off with a upright row I stuck the pin to 50kg and did a great set :)

I don't know what the hell I'm on but it works ;)

On the other hand my body is still going through some kind of a post pregnancy shit that is totally fuxking up my skin :( on a bad day my face looks like I don't even have a driving licence yet :(

It's my birthday

The end

Sometimes the end just comes.
I don't know what happened this time but I started yawning at the gym. It's a leg day so I need energy. All the energy.
So I stopped...
I finished my -nearly done- workout with some deep abs and I left.
I went home to eat.

I need energy to grow. It doesn't help to push like a moron when the sled is empty... nothing gets moved and I just use up good energy to grow. I did my squats Well and all the other stuff too :) all I need to do is eat and rest and even this "more than half ready" leg day will bring me results.

And on the plus side:
I've grown out of yet another shirt :) it's one of my running shirts so it not the type to shrink in the wash; )

Give it your all... and then go home and grow

Narrow squat 100kg x4

Yeah, baby.
I'm not done yet!

Keep it clean. Keep it interesting. Keep it heavy.
Fxck gravity.

Take the bus

I took the bus today with baba. We went down town...
To the "big city".
It was our first time on a local bus and I felt sick from the get go...
Kiddo was ok. He just did his thing ;)

I was green by the time we arrived at the last stop.

Just as well....
I'll be green again tonight at the gym 'cause it's leg day again! ;)

Boobs baby

Gonna get my bench press max up.
Just wait 3 months! ;)

Got a new program, see.
Gonna use it to the max, see.
It ain't got no bench press in it at all, see.

We'll see...

Must wait

Summer might come some day... first I have to wait for Spring.
Waiting won't make it come any sooner.

I wait for a lot of things... emails, programmes, coffee to cool and the shower to get warmer...

Kiddo doesn't know about waiting yet. He doesn't need to know.

Gravity

Leg day. Twice a week.
Keep it clean they said. Keep it light and focus on the feel they said...

Sorry.

Leg press 310kg x6
;)

Stupid crap

Chest day done.
I feel weak.
Skin all fxcked up. Stupid hormones. Hormones go home!
Or at least stop fxcking up my face!

Push it up

Bench press max just in... 55kg

Hmmm... I was hoping for 60kg since I weigh 60kg.
Oh well... it's a good start :)

Wheels

I'm putting some serious thought into my leg days.

How much is too much rest

My focus is in my legs.
My rest is mostly for my legs.

But in real life... I rest 'cause I am home alone with baba and this week I'm too lazy to do workouts at home. I do a lot of muscle maintenance and I eat as much as I can.

I'm enjoying life with the little guy <3

He loves to climb on me and stand around the house dancing and "talking".... .. (his fingerprints are all over the house!)

Plan A

All I have to do is

Keep kiddo safe and help him grow.

:)

<3

Everything else I'm doing is just extra fun ;)

Wouldn't you...

I've so had it with ...

The rain

I woke up to this going around and around in my head: "Nobody goes anywhere. Spring falls down everywhere."
It went on and on and on...

I stod by a lighthouse ...some where. Light rain and the smell of a vast blue sea. The sky was half clear and a lady in a beige trench coat was talking to me. Her voice got lost in the turf.
She had a turquoise scarf around her neck. She was very pretty.

Just moments ago I had been stuck in a parking garage. Parking in the cellar was 18e per day and on all the other floors it was 24e per day. But a lady told me that there was a 20min waiting list: it would take me 20min to find an empty spot no matter what I did.

Do it better

Pre - workouts... I use some.
Sometimes it's just coffee and an apple. Sometimes it's some pink powder from a can.

The truth of the matter is: NO pre - workout will make your muscles grow.

If I need extra energy to get my butt to the gym I'll use an energy drink for sure. But to get my pump and to feel the burn I don't think I need anything more than a GOOD workout :) ...now for the Growing part... that's where things get interesting and important. That's where the magic is, in the recovery phase ;) eat right, eat enough and eat every day. You can take days off from the gym but you can't take days off from your body.

I'm following a leg program I found in Flex.
I'm in week 3 out of 8.
But like usual I found something Very interesting and I want to try it... a "squat every day" program for a month... (bodybuilding.com) grrr... I  should wait until I have finished this first one first. It's not like I could do them both at the same time, right? ;)

Easter this...

Easter is quite useless.
To me I mean.
Even when I used to work I didn't need this Easter thingy for anything.

I went to the gym tonight. I snapped my back (C7 again) while doing my shoulder work out.

It just made me work harder...

The Temple

Build, fix, enlarge... my body, my temple.

Sometimes I wonder how much I would suffer if I lost a limb.
Any car crash could cut me up into bits... any dog bite or spooky spider in Africa could cost me a part of my physique...

I wonder if kiddo will stay safe all his life?
I wonder if he'll ever work with people who used to have a full life but now are a shadow of who they deserve to be...
I wonder if he'll see a war up close... I wonder if he'll love a person and then see them leave...

I wonder if he'll ever hate me for bringing him to this world?

***

I came to the gym tonight to work on my back but my legs are so stiff that it's better to concentrate on bringing them to life :)