Lying and lieing

Or was I leaning. ..

.... Don't give a fxck.

Lift that bitch up!

60kg keeps coming closer. Every week. Every dinner. Every snack. Every set...
Every night...

:)

And I look like a shaky shit in the mirror.  So what. :D

Certified citizen

We bought new winter tyres this week from a normal civilian. What I mean is that we did not go to a tyre shop but we did stop by a nice house and met a fun guy with cool cars :D

Well... we didn't have exact change so honey ended up paying online on the guy's laptop. It's just as safe as giving paper money but it takes a while and the seller might feel jumpy until the money finds it's way to his bank. (Even when he writes his own account number and sees the exchange beeing made...)

I started thinking about finding a way to make deals like this more relaxing... what if we had a system that kept a record of everyone who was "a good citizen" and worth trusting blindly...

Yeah... hmmm...
This sounds kinda familiar? Hmmm..

If everyone had a microchip that would keep a virtual profile of the person on it and if I were -let's say- selling my violin and I only want to sell it to a certain type of person. I could rank my buyers before letting them come see my violin...
Hmmm...
Why do I keep thinking that the Natzis already tried something like this...

Sounds like something the school teachers warned us about in the 90's... about the end of the world and the coming of the antichrist. I guess I went to school in the 1690's.

:D

What a crappy idea.

Let's just stick to talking BS and antiBS and not trusting anyone...blindly.

Homo erectus

Well he's a walker now :)
We tried cutting his hair again but he still hates it.
I've always wondered why some kids look like shit all the time but now I know: they hate getting a hair cut and they hate clothes. Basically they hate looking like everybody else.
Ok. "Hate" is a Strong word but it's the right one.
We've all seen some crazy shit... kids can hate just as much and even with more passion than us older versions of a hairless ape...

Kids can also forget with more speed than others... ;)

I think he's getting another hair cut next year ;)

10 Steps

Kiddo took 8 steps yesterday. Today he took 10 :)
He'll be walking in no time :)

Can I trust...

I'm having issues with my workouts and diet.
I'm (hardly) gaining body weight but I can move 20-30% more weight around in one set...

My biggest issue is with my body weight and composition. I know I don't look fat nor am I even close to a fatty anyhow. .....but...... I was hoping to pile on the pounds by now. I'm sticking with the program and I've lost a ton of worries and stress last week so I should feel free as a bird. A fxcking flamingo! ......but...... I'm still not getting bigger??

Or am I? ....
I bought a pair of pants today (on sale).
They are Large. Not Small, not even Medium. LARGE. And they fxcking fit like a glove!

So.... my issues.... bull shit ;)

I need food and I need a sauna night :)

Wau. What a crappy picture of my new good pants.

1st week

So did I gain weight or fat?

Well it started looking bad in the middle even though I was eating everything and the wallpaper. .. then I got a shock of my life when I thought I might be seriously sick.... got over that and went on a road trip with kiddo and spent two nights in Helsinki.

Felt better and kept eating like it was my biggest joy in life :)
Went to (super stuffed) Ikea and nearly remembered to visit Varusteleka... we got some small things to make life easier and safer  <3

Had my 3rd workout (3/8) and found that I'm much stronger than in my 1st work out ;) I nearly doubled my reps. This means I get to add 5kg to the 2 sets in my next A workout.

Sooo.... did I gain weight:

Yes.
Kinda.
Not alot.

Aaargh. .....

I think I might have a worm in me?

I want to read that book

I wake up.
I brush my teeth and stare at my image in the mirror.
Am I too fat? No.
Too skinny? No.
Too soft? No.
Too old? No.
Am I not worthy...? I used to think "yes"...

I used to push things away just because I couldn't reach them perfectly.
"If I can't make it happen in an instant, or better and quicker than anyone else then it makes me uninteresting and unworthy to be better than others."
My goals were to reach a better ME but they were reflections of other humans and other lifes.

Oh fxck...

Did I think this way about everything?  Of course not. But those small moments when I thought less of myself just to give space to others...
(Space? What fxcking space and Who are these others? !)
...when I left my parking brake on just to "help" others feel better about their crappy choices, I actually kept shutting the door in front of my own face.

I didn't do it often but doing it even once a year would fxck up my personal life for weeks...

As I think back, and I hate this, I've done more wrong to myself than anyone else could ever have accomplished.
I am my own worst enemy...

Thankfully I'm also my own best friend and Maker.
I reflect everything and I absorb anything that comes my way. Some of it sticks to me and I use it in my life and some bounce right off or get ripped off if I find it unusable.

So back to the top... about being worthy.

Even asking that question now is an insult from me to me. :)
The Right questions must be asked, YES. But at the same time the unnecessary questions can be dropped.
Am I worthy? Yes. Move on.

But then what are the right WORDS to say to myself in the morning?
"Words have power." I heard it several times this Friday. And even though this is one of the things I do remember, I don't use it as much as I need to. (Sorry Bruce. I must be the slowest learner on this planet... but thanks for kicking me around every now and then.)

The right words help to push you forward. The right words let you express yourself and they allow you to live successfully before you've even started.
So don't say:"I Should read that book so I'll learn from it." or "I Should do this diet so I'll get leaner and look/feel better."
Instead of motivating yourself with promises of a better future why not motivate yourself with a promise of a better life right Now...
"I Want to read that book."
"I want to do this diet."

And do it.

Have - Do - Be

B. I'm starting to feel like I owe my life to you... :)

This is really hard...
I love the way it gives me pain...
It's really important and so simple and so, so hard (for me)...

I'll start by asking myself questions:

"How do you live your life? Do you search daily for ways to be successful or famous or just a better You? Do look for the beginning of the "road to your future" in education or career or something that can be measured?"

Look at the headline again and read it backwards. BE - DO - HAVE.

What if you first decide who you ARE instead of trying to find the perfect combination of education and experience to fill your CV... (my CV... this is what I've always done: Looked good on paper so I can prove myself in ways that can be measured.)

What if, after deciding to BE who you want to BE, it would actually be more possible to DO what you've always wanted to DO... (how simple is that! ;) )

And then, after all that, you'll HAVE that thing/feeling/mater/life/stuff that you need to be successful in your line of work etc.

I'm leaving this post short for a reason.
If anyone reads this and wonders about it I want them to fill in the blanks for themselves...

I know I still have a lot of blank spots in my life...

Good Morning

Gratitude journal:

Our son makes me So Happy every day <3

We are healthy and safe :)

I feel like I have less "baggage" every day :)

I have a bright future and all I have to do is accept it... ;)

* * *

The future... I need to make choices... this year... big ones... just me doing the choosing... fxck.

I'm gonna do it!

I'm gonna live my life the way it was always meant to be lived. :)

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" every fxcking day! ;D

4 weeks

What is 4 weeks.

It's less than 700 hours.
It's 28 days.
It's 4 cheat meals.
It's 8 workouts.
It's -äääh- it's a LOT of chicken...

Intentionally reacting

Stop.
Think.
Intentionally think about what you want to do.
Do it.

Do not just React to every fxcking thing like an ape.
Take a sec. Think.
Make your move based on intentionally and thoughtfully made decisions.

2, 2, 1

You have 2 ears, 2 eyes, 1mouth... use them in that order.

Calm, collected and composed

I plan a lot.
I watch a lot of TV too.
I watch documentaries and movies and cartoons (for kiddo)... I'm watching a documentary about steroids right now. It's  actually a very boring one...

I know enough about douping and steroids to stay away from them but when kiddo gets older and he sees how we live, how we train, how we eat and treat our bodies I hope and pray that he will not feel the need to grow like crazy in a very short time.
Sometimes I wonder if I could keep him so occupied in life that he would Never feel that his body is not enough. But he was born human... he was born an individual and anything and everything I do or say to him will still pass through His brain and He makes the choices in his life.

Maybe I could still program him a bit?  ;)

Bring it!

I've got my plans printed.
I've got my supplements counted.
I've got my fish and broccoli and turkey and rice and all that shit waiting in the fridge.
I've got it all and I'm ready to do the time.
4 weeks in "jail"... 4 weeks living a life that does not resemble a life I would call "normal"...
Only 4 weeks and if I make it, if I reach my goal, I promised to give myself and kiddo a present (at least I) we would not forget.

;)

13 hours

Last night was a loooong one. Baba and I  slept for 13 hours. Sure he had a lot of milk and I changed his nappie and I went to the toilet and drank water and wondered about having something to eat but the night didn't end until 8am when we decided that we were hungry and bored.
Sometimes it is like a heaven on earth to sleep late and wake up happy 'cause all you have to do is get up and walk to the kitchen, open the fridge and make some breakfast and coffee <3

We're very lucky.
We must Never forget that all of this is here and that it is Real. We are truly safe and happy. We have the right to feel good. We also have the right to help others have this too.

It's all about honest decisions...
Honest decisions in our lifes ;)

12 seconds

He can stand in one place by himself for about 10-12 seconds :)
In this pic I helped him up and he watched the telly for a while. 

I'm not sure if he quits because he gets tired or because he wants to go somewhere else?...

The ball

I got so excited when kiddo learned to throw the ball to me :) but now he throws it just about anywhere and mostly under the sofa. I guess he likes to see me crawl... he also likes to throw the little stuffed pig around and books and wooden blocks and his socks :D

Soldier mode

One more weekend and my "4 weeks of hell" is ON!
I'm not going with the first idea. It had 6 workouts in a week. I'm actually testing a 2 workouts per week program  :)

There is more time to recover.
There's also a lot of time to eat... that's where the gains are.

First I kill myself at the gym and then I fill up the holes in my muscles with clean eating... rest for a day or two or three and do it all over again.

Kiddo will not notice much.
Mummy just keeps eating like it was her job ;)

I hope the weather stays clear and summer comes soon... I hope I make it.

I hope kiddo learns to walk ;)
He's so close! He has also figured out how to force little wooden blocks into the box with the different holes on it :)
And he tries to talk every day. I'm not picking up any specific "words" yet but he makes a lot of different sounds and sometimes they are the same "scream" in the same situations. Usually my answer is:"honey-bunny, please stop banging on the window/door/machine/my face..."

To go insane or to not

I have a new idea of what I should try at the gym...
It's only a 4 week program but it has so many supersets and days of thunder in it that if I finish it without losing weight I should probably call myself "Mike". It's fxcking brutal but it is calling me... mmmmm..... gosh, I want to try it.  Crap, it would mean going to the gym around 10 pm so I can have all the equipment I need to myself. ..... holy crap. I'll never sleep

Should I?
...
:)
Really?....

I should get another Inbody check up done next winter.... just to see inside me.
Next year is not supposed to be important but who knows...

Every Day is important to a degree.
Every chance is worth taking and remembering....

Punked myself

I tested my body with that Inbody test again.
My goals had been
- to add lean mass to my legs
- to add fat to my body

Well I won.
But that's it. It was not the big win I was hoping for. It was nothing huge and nothing that makes me feel like I've actually worked my fxcking ass off these last 3 months.

FXCK!

...

I felt good and like shit at the same time.
But that's just me.

Tomorrow is the day of mothers and others... to me it doesn't feel like a reason to feel special. I'm special every fxcking day. Kiddo sees me and he goes crazy with love :)
If he could run he would, but he just crawls like crazy and climbs up my leg to hug me. <3
He's my perfect son and he's going to take over the fxcking world! ;)

"Memories" from my old life...

Satisfice

Something to think about.

I personally can't live like she writes - not all the time. But I'm gonna pick my battles  ;)

https://medium.com/@EmiliaLahti/satisficing-how-to-reach-your-best-by-not-giving-a-damn-3b9854826277

You walked back in

You came back into my life... I saw you coming and it made me smile.
Maybe you heard my heart jump... and then it missed a beat. "Oh my god. You."

I missed you. All this time I've been thinking about you, and us. How we met. How you used to make me feel... how my legs turned to spaghetti and my mouth would mumble every time I started a sentence.

You. <3

How do you do it?

...you made yourself visible to me and I got lost in my life again..

I've known you for years but sometimes it feels like we've just met. Sometimes at night I'm afraid to move or you might disappear again. It hurts when you go. It hurts inside.

I want more time with you.

I want you to stay.

Dropping things and leaving things behind to make space

I've done a bunch of stuff this week...

I quit from 3 facebook groups (that I don't even need) and I sold a few items I don't use anymore. I sent stuff -that I've been hanging on to for no reason- to people who might need them.

I'm cleaning up my life again. I switched the sofas around in the living room and I went on a long walk with baba and I sent some novels to a "publisher" to see if they like 'em and I might earn a few bucks...

I'm making plans and planning my future while planning to plan to succeed :) Planning to plan better :D HAH!

I finally found my golden pen. It marks anything. I'm going to write my name on my lifting belt so people will stop wondering if I stole it from the gym (it looks JUST like the belt we have there)...

In a hurry to get nowhere

Since I have the right to do what ever I want I've been testing to add some of my pre workout supplement to my morning vitamins. Not a lot but enough to get some extra energy to push baba around on our morning walks.

Why I'm doing this?

I'm testing to see if it works better than just having coffee and if it will not make me pee as much ;)

Lift - bitch!

I took another day off. Last time I was at the gym was last Saturday... ooohhh... I need rest and I need time to get my writing together.

I'm working on a (Finnish) book and on a movie script. I love working on both of them but it takes so much more time to be creative than to just lift heavy shit and take a shower afterwards ;)

I still write short stories every now and then. I've started printing some of them out to see them in "real light". It actually helps to see physical proof of the stuff I've tapped on the keyboard. I feel much better about the time I spend in my own thoughts and imagination now :)

And kiddo is almost walking. He can stand by himself for several seconds and he uses his walking Brio -thing every day all by himself :)

New music from The Hustle Standard

I love these guys <3

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJ5uYEtgfNqdLYfsBR1l9sQ

I (always) need to be in control

I don't give a fxck.

I always need to be in control of my own fxcking life.

I don't care what others think. It's my life and I'm the one who's living it :)

But I do listen to others and I worry.... I worry they'll ware me down, pull me under and make me dull.

I want to yell out "I'm doing it!" I want to be the one who looks through my eyes and sees my deeds and feels my needs.
I want to go out and do it.

I'm on my way now and no one's going to stop me. They may trip me or push me around but like I keep telling kiddo "sometimes we fall down, but we always get up" :)

Party smart

It's both a warm day and the sun came out :)

Kiddo is very tired... too many games to play ;)

I don't feel anything

It has come to my knowledge -again- that I am unable to use any kind of hormonal birth control. 

So fxck that. 

If my body turns into an unfeeling, super strong machine that doesn't give a fxck about anything or anyone when I'm on some kind of female hormone then I will rather quit early than try to hang in there and hope that everything will be ok some day. .....

My leg day was one of the best ever BUT I don't need a great 2 hours if the rest of the day is cold and empty. 

The Fat lady don't sing, no.

That pink ball is my belly.
I'm still on a mission to get a bit "fat" so I can get VERY BIG.

It's not easy. I'm still under 60kg.
I'm even thinking about cheating. .... eating super fatty foods and pizza on every Friday. .... ;)

But they make my a bit sick and then I under eat like a bird the next day. .... so no point in cheating. ....

Oh yes..... those female bits are broken Again. I must have somekinds of beta versions in there 'cause they work exactly the wrong way around. I wouldn't even be surprised if I got pregnant again. God damn baby machine  :/

Stupid female bits.
I'm going to see the doc again. She'll know what to do.

Live, learn, wtf...

I've been testing again.
Instead of taking my usual cocktail of "wake me ups" before a work out I've started drinking a basic "2 scoops of protein + 1 scoop of carbs" in 0,4l of water...
Well it WORKS.
I HAVE CRAZY MORE ENERGY AT THE GYM. I can lift the World up if I want to ;)

So I think I'll stick to this new found energy source and forget about the old way of eating a heavy lunch, waiting 2-3 hours and then taking my pre workout and the warming up my muscles slowly ans steadily. .... fxck that.
Drink it, lift it, slam it, enjoy it.

:)

On shaky legs

I gave it all I could that day, that leg day. Had I only eaten more that day I could have given it even More... more and more. Always more.

Nothing ever seems enough without the "more" added later... the added "more" gives me the right to come back and do more, live more, blow shit up more and kill it...

...More...
I love you.

Letting go

Letting go of loved ones...
Sometimes my dreams tell me sad stories. I'm forced to let go of old friendships or lovers... my dreams don't tell things straight up. They hint about people, sometimes they show faces and those people tell me their goodbyes...
But the reality is that I'm actually talking to myself. I'm saying goodbye to my old self. My old lifestyles or habits or needs. I'm growing every day. Every day is a gift.
Never stop growing. Never settle. Never say "this is the best I can do with my life".

Never stop living.
:)

I feel nothing

What does it feel like to rest and stay awake at the same time?... to sleep and work...

When the body sleeps but the mind wonders in valleys and flys over hillsides with more things and stuff and ideas piling up under it's shadow.

I rarely stay awake half the night. For some reason I still feel well rested and mostly happy the next morning.
It might have something to do with the ability to solve most of my "problems" that night... :)

I'm better

Oh boy these pics turn to crap after I upload them... 4G my ass.

Well I didn't star this blog to make a statement trough my pictures...

It was my first chest day for the week and I kept surprising myself :)

I could grab dumbbells up to 21kg and still do a GOOD set in the incline bench, I had no problems when doing my one hand rows on a 36kg db and when it was time to finish off with a upright row I stuck the pin to 50kg and did a great set :)

I don't know what the hell I'm on but it works ;)

On the other hand my body is still going through some kind of a post pregnancy shit that is totally fuxking up my skin :( on a bad day my face looks like I don't even have a driving licence yet :(

It's my birthday

The end

Sometimes the end just comes.
I don't know what happened this time but I started yawning at the gym. It's a leg day so I need energy. All the energy.
So I stopped...
I finished my -nearly done- workout with some deep abs and I left.
I went home to eat.

I need energy to grow. It doesn't help to push like a moron when the sled is empty... nothing gets moved and I just use up good energy to grow. I did my squats Well and all the other stuff too :) all I need to do is eat and rest and even this "more than half ready" leg day will bring me results.

And on the plus side:
I've grown out of yet another shirt :) it's one of my running shirts so it not the type to shrink in the wash; )

Give it your all... and then go home and grow

Narrow squat 100kg x4

Yeah, baby.
I'm not done yet!

Keep it clean. Keep it interesting. Keep it heavy.
Fxck gravity.

Take the bus

I took the bus today with baba. We went down town...
To the "big city".
It was our first time on a local bus and I felt sick from the get go...
Kiddo was ok. He just did his thing ;)

I was green by the time we arrived at the last stop.

Just as well....
I'll be green again tonight at the gym 'cause it's leg day again! ;)

Boobs baby

Gonna get my bench press max up.
Just wait 3 months! ;)

Got a new program, see.
Gonna use it to the max, see.
It ain't got no bench press in it at all, see.

We'll see...

Must wait

Summer might come some day... first I have to wait for Spring.
Waiting won't make it come any sooner.

I wait for a lot of things... emails, programmes, coffee to cool and the shower to get warmer...

Kiddo doesn't know about waiting yet. He doesn't need to know.

Gravity

Leg day. Twice a week.
Keep it clean they said. Keep it light and focus on the feel they said...

Sorry.

Leg press 310kg x6
;)

Stupid crap

Chest day done.
I feel weak.
Skin all fxcked up. Stupid hormones. Hormones go home!
Or at least stop fxcking up my face!

Push it up

Bench press max just in... 55kg

Hmmm... I was hoping for 60kg since I weigh 60kg.
Oh well... it's a good start :)

Wheels

I'm putting some serious thought into my leg days.

How much is too much rest

My focus is in my legs.
My rest is mostly for my legs.

But in real life... I rest 'cause I am home alone with baba and this week I'm too lazy to do workouts at home. I do a lot of muscle maintenance and I eat as much as I can.

I'm enjoying life with the little guy <3

He loves to climb on me and stand around the house dancing and "talking".... .. (his fingerprints are all over the house!)

Plan A

All I have to do is

Keep kiddo safe and help him grow.

:)

<3

Everything else I'm doing is just extra fun ;)

Wouldn't you...

I've so had it with ...

The rain

I woke up to this going around and around in my head: "Nobody goes anywhere. Spring falls down everywhere."
It went on and on and on...

I stod by a lighthouse ...some where. Light rain and the smell of a vast blue sea. The sky was half clear and a lady in a beige trench coat was talking to me. Her voice got lost in the turf.
She had a turquoise scarf around her neck. She was very pretty.

Just moments ago I had been stuck in a parking garage. Parking in the cellar was 18e per day and on all the other floors it was 24e per day. But a lady told me that there was a 20min waiting list: it would take me 20min to find an empty spot no matter what I did.

Do it better

Pre - workouts... I use some.
Sometimes it's just coffee and an apple. Sometimes it's some pink powder from a can.

The truth of the matter is: NO pre - workout will make your muscles grow.

If I need extra energy to get my butt to the gym I'll use an energy drink for sure. But to get my pump and to feel the burn I don't think I need anything more than a GOOD workout :) ...now for the Growing part... that's where things get interesting and important. That's where the magic is, in the recovery phase ;) eat right, eat enough and eat every day. You can take days off from the gym but you can't take days off from your body.

I'm following a leg program I found in Flex.
I'm in week 3 out of 8.
But like usual I found something Very interesting and I want to try it... a "squat every day" program for a month... (bodybuilding.com) grrr... I  should wait until I have finished this first one first. It's not like I could do them both at the same time, right? ;)

Easter this...

Easter is quite useless.
To me I mean.
Even when I used to work I didn't need this Easter thingy for anything.

I went to the gym tonight. I snapped my back (C7 again) while doing my shoulder work out.

It just made me work harder...

The Temple

Build, fix, enlarge... my body, my temple.

Sometimes I wonder how much I would suffer if I lost a limb.
Any car crash could cut me up into bits... any dog bite or spooky spider in Africa could cost me a part of my physique...

I wonder if kiddo will stay safe all his life?
I wonder if he'll ever work with people who used to have a full life but now are a shadow of who they deserve to be...
I wonder if he'll see a war up close... I wonder if he'll love a person and then see them leave...

I wonder if he'll ever hate me for bringing him to this world?

***

I came to the gym tonight to work on my back but my legs are so stiff that it's better to concentrate on bringing them to life :)

Be curious

There's still time to do all those things that you always wanted to do.

There's still time to be better and to do better.

Do your best. Honestly.... what's the worst that can happen?

:)

Just remember that no matter what happens, I still love you.

Control

"As your maker...
I command you."

<3

Home school

Home school with the bigger kid (texting and reading) then leg day (killed it at the gym!) after which I played in the fresh snow with my older baby (BMW)... HE LOVES his donuts  <3 and it was "ass of the grass" in every corner and bend...

Now I stand here in the kitchen with my mushroom omelette and wonder when this winter will end....
There are zombies on TV so I can't go in the living room. Too many nightmares would be waiting for me after the dream train arrives and takes me away... I want to see/experience nice dreams :)

My "Mr Compton"

You are everywhere.
Outside my house, in my room, in the air I breathe.
You are inside me.
I see you every day, every night, every dusk and dawn... I search you out. I run to you. My Bill. My beloved Mr Compton.

I won't stop.
I can't stop.
I will always miss you, need you, love you.

I am yours, forever.

You did this to me.
You loved me first.

Woke up dead

Gosh I'm sooo tired.
I take naps with baba and I feel like I could sleep for a year...
Legs hurt, back aches, sleepy and hungry all the fxcking time.

I hate it and love it.
I need: more food. More time. More gym. More life. More slooow mornings.

Beloved Bill

I just finished watching the last season of TrueBlood.

God it hurt.

It's a blessing and a course to have my soul. I hate it when I am stuck in a loop. A bad loop of sad things. The good loops are much nicer. They are the ones that keep me alive :) literally.

I started season 1 again. I needed my Bill back <3
I need my good loop.

I have a real "Vampire Bill" in my life.
He's the one I can be myself with.

A good night

Tired... kiddo I mean. He goes "good night, mama" just before 18:00. Sometimes he starts yawning after 17:00... 11-12 hours later he is Totally up again. Singing his "gurll-grrr" song and loving everything. He eats about 3 times every night.

We spent the day inside. We did go out for a short while but only to stand around in the sun. It hurts his eyes so we came back in. The little vampire  <3 he keeps eating everything because his gums itch. I have tooth marks all over me. He is a quick little beast.

I've been keeping him busy by playing "catch me if you can" and "hide-ish and seek-ish". He also enjoys just emptying out what ever he can open...

He's a perfect little puppy :)

Games

I eat all the time and I'm still hungry. .. maybe I'm sick?..

Kiddo sure loves his blocks :)
He's never been sick.

Where is this road going and should I stay on it

I looked in the mirror today... after my home gym (arms and abs)... I liked what I saw. It was 9pm and I weigh 59kg.

I counted my calories again and did some tweeks... I pushed them up to 3100kcal (easily) and I will check them again after a month or two. I hope I'll be a bit heavier then so I should check them anyway ;)

I feel exited and fresh. I feel alive and awake.

My new macros (give or take...):
P 280-300
C 250-280
F 90-120

That's the plan for now. Every new thing is always a test. Maybe it works maybe it doesn't.

Sometimes you fail and learn. Sometimes months pass and everything works out just fine.
:)

Doing new stuff

New stuff to fill our weeks with baba.

"Be a friend to an immigrant mom."
:)

Will this ever stop growing?

Our son is almost 9 months now.
I wake up to a new day every day and he's there, smiling,  laughing,  loving everything.

He's a miracle. He swam through acid to get to be with us. He found that lost egg and pushed through to finish first. All them others either died on the way or were eaten alive by my central police...

I was there when it happened but i didn't see it... so I asked my body how it happened. She told me that when those two different DNAs touched for the first time there was "fire and lightning in the air". The One who came and won the game caused an avalanche of changes. Cells started multiplying like crazy. "Woosh-smak! Woosh-smak! Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop." The growth was exponential and full of energy. Hormones shot through the roof and my blood filled with chemical messages to both protect the baby and to distroy Everything and Anything that may harm it.

I love our son.
Somehow I feel that I love him more and more every day... can or will it ever stop.
The growth of my love?

Don't get comfortable

"Life's a bitch and then you die." That's what my friend used to say every week, probably every day.
Not anymore.... thank goodness her life got a million times better :)

Don't die to change things...

People die. Well, technically we don't DIE we just change... move on.
My friend killed himself some years ago. He moved on. It was early spring... he wasn't found until a week or so had passed. He had changed A LOT.

I think about him every year. I cared about him dearly. He was fun :) he was one of the funniest guys I knew :)

I miss him so much :(

Gainer is back

Yep. I bought 2kg of gainer. Every shake is over 600kcal :)
I tested it already and I like it. It's not icky or too thick. It disappears in seconds (down the hatch) which means that I can drink it without even thinking about it.
2 meals in 20 seconds... crazy.

I did something to my back today.
My legs still hurt like hell but I didn't mind.

Back day:

Foamrolling + warm up with a rowing machine (I hate that machine)

30-40kg x 20-10 x 6 "low row"

40-50kg x 15-10 x 6 "bent over row"

45kg x 10 x 4 "t-bar row"

26-36kg x 8-6 x 6 "one-arm db row"

Foamrolling and some planks...

(I'm too tired to care what I just wrote... if you can't guess then don't worry. You are not missing out on anything super.)

As I live and breathe...

I've been counting my calories again. I've been pushing clean food down the hatch. I've been sleeping and stretching and thinking and walking and staying awake at night feeding our son <3
I've been living to the fullest and watching some TV too :)
I've been writing and lifting and dreaming and drinking tea...

I feel a change coming.
I feel different inside.

Nobody loves a free heart

We are all different. That's the whole point.
Evolution.

So if someone works in different ways than you...what should you do? 
Hate them? Study their ways and prove them wrong?
Get to know them and learn from them? Just let them be and ignore them?
...
What ever you choose is what You chose.
Just remember that the door swings both ways.

We make choices every day.
We can always choose differently the next day.
Everything can be fixed to a point.
Evolution.

Eventually it's the giant rock from the sky that kills us all. Not some little, piece of shit problem that we're all obsessing about.

Some new routines at the gym

I've got some new ideas to brighten up my nights...

Here are some of the "nicer bits" from my leg day:

Smith machine 

6* 12-15 narrow squat (I don't go over 75kg 'cause I do slow reps)

6* 10-12 wide squat (I keep my weights around 45kg and my sets super slow)

6* 10-15 one legged squat (no rest or 10sec rest between sets, weights down to 25kg)

...

6* 10-12 step ups with dumbbells 10-20kg

Goodbye abs, it was nice seeing you...

Kiddo be like "whaaaaat..?"

I use a belt and it feels Great! I need it for my core so it has something to push against and I don't have to keep my eye on it All the time  ;)

Good...bye

Well... it's time.
It's time to say goodbye to my abs. Goodbye to my figure (as it is, right now I mean). Goodbye to competing next year. Goodbye to all my jeans.

Goodbye to my mirror image.

I'm not saying goodbye to this blog, no.

Just to many other things... not all are good. Some are bad. ;)

Something Rob said

...I should share this with you.

As we walked through the crowds of people I grabbed his left arm so I wouldn't lose him. His bicep and forearm nearly pinched my pinky off... Luckily I was faster ;)

I felt like I was following a giant in many ways. He is a Strong man and a true hero (to me), he has his own World of Dreams and Realities and he can make just about anything happen, his ways may be rough like his words but he pulls through even in the toughest neighbourhood. He is a man I would love to keep close to me. He is an inspiration and an idol.

Rob talked quietly to me as we pushed through the crowd (I could have never gotten through on my own.) and as we walked and people were being Crazy Loud around us, step by step his voice started to be the only thing I heard.

He told me (something like) this:
"When you get on that stage on that last day it doesn't matter if you're the biggest MF up there. It doesn't matter 'cause people can't see what it took to get you up there. It doesn't even matter if you win.

What matters is that you've made that journey. It matters that You remember that journey and all that has happened. It's all about you up there. NEVER make it about the others or Just about That day. Days come and go. They are all the same outside your history. No-one will ever SEE inside you, no-one will ever BE inside you. No-one will Ever be You.

You are the One person living your dreams. So let it show... up there on the stage, let them see YOU. The real, genuine, self made, King of your world, You..."

I hugged him.

We talked more about some private stuff... he helped me a lot. My mind is much clearer now. He's a risk taker too. He knows how it is.

Sometimes I forget that these are just dreams.
Sometimes I don't care that these are just dreams.

I know and love Real people like Dream-Rob. I talk with them and we share thoughts and dreams.  If you know me you might think of me as a quiet person who has a dark sense of humour... the reality is that I think a lot. I Listen and I feel what the other person is saying.  I am sharing THAT SPECIFIC moment with that person and we can never get it back. That's why I sometimes seem to just fade out... when actually I'm trying to get inside You ;)

Rob came back

Rob came back :)
He came to help me along  <3 he's so kind to me :)

We talked again... :) about everything important and nothing special.
He took me to an event. I think it was somekind of an aftermath for the people who attended the ASF 2015...

He couldn't spend a lot of time with me but the time we had he sure used well. We had coffee and he told me exactly How and Why I should handle my next big goals. I believe he's right about all the things he said. Yes, it will be hard... and Yes, it will (eventually) be worth it ALL. ALL THAT SHIT AND ALL THAT FUN STUFF. Mostly fun stuff ;)

I really like you, Rob <3
Thanks for coming to my rescue <3
You know so much about me... you understand.

A bad girl goes deep...

I finally felt the need to not give a fxck about the Doc...

I went deep.

It didn't hurt, 

It was interesting.

I felt it right where I should...

I'm keeping this deep squatting thing in my program ;)

I only went as high as 60kg.

I could do more but I need a spotter for that.

***

Yesterday I bought myself a belt. A leather lifting belt. IT will give me more support around my abs 'cause my abs will now have something to push against :)

I'm NOT planning to become a power lifter so you will NOT see me braking records month after month... my goals are still in women's physique. 

a short story (fiction)

I decided to be more aware. I took time to listen to my senses and to Name the feelings I had when I had them:

-         The car seat feels cold under my butt. Why do I always try to wear as little as possible just to win time changing my clothes at the gym?

-         My hair keeps finding its way to my face and mouth and I feel like I could take more time with it but then the uselessness of having hair products for every different moment would make me hate our bathroom.

-         The road is black, the sky is black, the weather is shit and my mood is getting grumpy just by looking outside. Why do I still live here?

The car seat was now warmer and I straightened my neck to throw my hair back. “Almost there.” 

The gym was lit.

I left my shoes at the door and headed for the changing room.

With a quick glance I counted 3 guys. Nobody looked my way as I went in to the changing room and accidentally banged the door real loud.

Training clothes on, quick check in the mirror that everything is in its right place (nipples to the same direction, hair out of my face, make up somewhere other than on my cheeks and underwear complimenting my rear end), fill the bottle -that had my EAA's- with water and hit the weights.

What am I doing today... Legs.

I looked around and saw that one of the guys was hitting his biceps, the two other were owning the Smith machine. Why does one of them always wear those ugly swim shorts to the gym? And the guy with the glasses usually has a polo on. How weird.

I still had my shoelaces undone but I walked over to the squat rack and started warming up with a wooden stick. Up, down, rotate, jump, swing... I hate warm ups because by the time you’re done some-one has already taken over the place where you were going to do something... so I keep close, I integrate my warm ups to the first 4 sets and I leave my stuff lying around so no-one will think that I'm not serious.

One of my nipples pops out and I have to make extra motions with my other hand to rub the other one out too. Darn. At least they're looking in the same direction. I hate it when they're off set even the slightest.

“Fuck.” I put the wrong god damn pants on! I had soft, light grey pants that would show any and all sweating that I will be doing today. And of course I will look like I wet my pants. What was I thinking?! Maybe I could still change my work out for something else? Back maybe? No... I need that for tomorrow. Arms... I just did them. Shoulders? Shit. Nothing... I put the bar on my back and started squatting. I forgot about my pants. Who cares if I look like I've sat in a puddle by the time I'm done. It's not like skinny four-eyes or Hawaii-boys even give a shit.

1, 2, 3... 25, 26, 27... I always count. I hate that about me. It can't be that my reps mean nothing if I don't count them. I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes.

1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5... 8, 9, 11, 12... Shit. Sometimes I videotape my sets and even though I KNOW I did 12 reps, the set on the tape is only 10 reps long. So not only am I dyslectic in ways but I also can't count. Aaargh. I add more weight and start all over again. The warm ups are taking forever today.

I don't go as low as I could. I stop around 90 degrees. I tell myself that I do it to keep my knees safe but the truth is that if I actually warmed up correctly for this stuff I could not only lift more but I could get lower and use the most of my muscle tissue to help me get back up again.

5 sets later my back is pumped, my knees feel like bamboo and it's time to put on a belt.

More weight means my ring finger is starting to feel like it is getting peeled off by my engagement ring. I only wear it at the gym because I want to test how it feels to have rings and jewelry on while lifting. It's stupid, I know. But others do it (Pros) and they don't look like they mind?

(I’m so hopeless.)

Three more sets and I switch from shoulder width to wide stance.

“Great.”

My pants are hanging in there but I know I’m starting to sweat like a … hmmm, nothing nice comes to mind. Let’s just say that I’m starting to rush things and it’s only because of my wardrobe issues.

I only get 2 sets done and I have to quit. I know a dark spot is spreading and starting to look like the most interesting ink swab ever. I can’t take my eyes off my crotch. None of the guys seem to even see me but I’m too frustrated to lift anymore. I put the plates back to the nearest places and grab my stuff. I head over to the leg machines in the corner. They are all facing the windows so I don’t have to think about my pants anymore. And the windows are covered too.

I finish my water as I finish off my legs with long sets in the quad and hamstring machines. After some foam rolling and short stretches I go to the toilet before I get on the treadmill. All I do is 15 minutes of walking uphill. Nothing special about it but it works for me.

When I’m finally all done and free to drop my pants I spend a few more extra minutes in front of a mirror posing, smiling and taking it all in (the Feeling after).

I always ask myself if I have any regrets. I often do. This time it’s about my pants and rushing through some of the sets. Basically I didn't even do those sets since I wasn't concentrating on the feeling but in the numbers. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and out” is not the same as “5 hard reps, 2 super difficult ones and 1 failure.”

I drive home and throw my clothes in the wash. After my shower I dig my pants out of the washing machine and pit the in the trash bin. It’s time to grow harder. No more stupid excuses to hold back. 

A new week

Spring is near. Even little creatures know this :)

The sun gets me a bit crazy. I get ideas. I've missed the sun. It's do much nicer when it's sunny. And I like getting ideas ;)

Kiddo keeps getting more teeth. This means he wakes up sometimes and cries for "no reason". Usually it helps just to be with him. Anything else just gets him more worked up.  He also seems to reach more and more places these days. Sometimes he even scares me... this morning I put him on the ground on his belly but when I turned to look again he was sitting up!? Maybe one of his legs got caught under his belly and he just lifted himself up from there?

He's been following me around... I'm trying to teach him what "come here" and "no" mean. Now and then he still gets tired and just wants to be carried. He supercrawls to my feet when he doesn't want me to pass him by. He's so cute <3

I can almost touch it...

The Future.
It's always just around the corner.

I have plans. Big plans.
The wheels are already in motion.
Now for some speed.

Saying good bye to Kris

Dear Kris,
I really liked working with you and I believe I grew in more ways than just in size... and I believe that I lost only in fat.

I love the way your program made me try out new things and push myself over the "5 more reps" -line ;)
I am astonished of how strong I truly am.

I am now just about finished with your 12 week Challenge and I feel that I'm ready to take on Anything :)

If I ever have the chance to meet you in real life I hope I get to look you in the eyes and say:"Man...you kicked my ass and I kept coming for more ;) I wish you the best <3"

Too much sleep

Yesterday I helped kiddo fall asleep around 6.30pm. I woke up next to him at 9pm... dead tired. Ate, tried to do something intelligent, went back to bed. This morning around 6am....still dead tired. Kiddo had a "I love everyone" moment around 3am so I was still suffering from that :)

I hate unscheduled rest days. They mess everything up.

20 years left to live...

I'll be dead by 2035 ... maybe.

...

I was told I have 20 years left in me. I should make them the best I can. 

What can happen in 20 years?:

- kiddo grows up :)

- I will be married and we'll have a home in a warm country (this is a must for me)

- I'll have watched Knight Rider a thousand times and I'll finally get that T-shirt I want where KITT is jumping over a cow ;)

- I am still eating right,  working out and I have plans (just in case) for the years to come

- I've destroyed all my enemies and loved everything else

- I've set goals and made gains greater than I ever thought was possible  (simply because there was no reason to hold back)

- I've broken a lot of rules and made a lot of people happy

- I've made our son proud <3

- I've taken those risks that I'm thinking about every day these days 

- I might have regrets but not about being too scared to act 

- I will have lived to my fullest, to the max.

Usually we don't know when our time is up.

It could be a problem in the plane's gearbox,  it could be a runaway moose, it might be a tuna sandwich...

Just don't wait around for a better life. Go out and live it.

What's the worst that could happen? Will the planet blow up? I don't think so ;)

Go.

Your life is waiting.

Am I still here?

A whole week gone... no workouts. I ate as much as I could.
This morning I checked my weight: 57,9kg (after my breakfast)

I think I look thin and soft.

:/

I better get my routines back in shape.
I need my (safe) lifestyle back :)

But tonight is (yet again) a rest day.
Tomorrow I'll hit my legs with another one of Kris's killer workouts and feel alive after I'll first want to die ;)