Be curious

There's still time to do all those things that you always wanted to do.

There's still time to be better and to do better.

Do your best. Honestly.... what's the worst that can happen?

:)

Just remember that no matter what happens, I still love you.

Control

"As your maker...
I command you."

<3

Home school

Home school with the bigger kid (texting and reading) then leg day (killed it at the gym!) after which I played in the fresh snow with my older baby (BMW)... HE LOVES his donuts  <3 and it was "ass of the grass" in every corner and bend...

Now I stand here in the kitchen with my mushroom omelette and wonder when this winter will end....
There are zombies on TV so I can't go in the living room. Too many nightmares would be waiting for me after the dream train arrives and takes me away... I want to see/experience nice dreams :)

My "Mr Compton"

You are everywhere.
Outside my house, in my room, in the air I breathe.
You are inside me.
I see you every day, every night, every dusk and dawn... I search you out. I run to you. My Bill. My beloved Mr Compton.

I won't stop.
I can't stop.
I will always miss you, need you, love you.

I am yours, forever.

You did this to me.
You loved me first.

Woke up dead

Gosh I'm sooo tired.
I take naps with baba and I feel like I could sleep for a year...
Legs hurt, back aches, sleepy and hungry all the fxcking time.

I hate it and love it.
I need: more food. More time. More gym. More life. More slooow mornings.

Beloved Bill

I just finished watching the last season of TrueBlood.

God it hurt.

It's a blessing and a course to have my soul. I hate it when I am stuck in a loop. A bad loop of sad things. The good loops are much nicer. They are the ones that keep me alive :) literally.

I started season 1 again. I needed my Bill back <3
I need my good loop.

I have a real "Vampire Bill" in my life.
He's the one I can be myself with.

A good night

Tired... kiddo I mean. He goes "good night, mama" just before 18:00. Sometimes he starts yawning after 17:00... 11-12 hours later he is Totally up again. Singing his "gurll-grrr" song and loving everything. He eats about 3 times every night.

We spent the day inside. We did go out for a short while but only to stand around in the sun. It hurts his eyes so we came back in. The little vampire  <3 he keeps eating everything because his gums itch. I have tooth marks all over me. He is a quick little beast.

I've been keeping him busy by playing "catch me if you can" and "hide-ish and seek-ish". He also enjoys just emptying out what ever he can open...

He's a perfect little puppy :)

Games

I eat all the time and I'm still hungry. .. maybe I'm sick?..

Kiddo sure loves his blocks :)
He's never been sick.

Where is this road going and should I stay on it

I looked in the mirror today... after my home gym (arms and abs)... I liked what I saw. It was 9pm and I weigh 59kg.

I counted my calories again and did some tweeks... I pushed them up to 3100kcal (easily) and I will check them again after a month or two. I hope I'll be a bit heavier then so I should check them anyway ;)

I feel exited and fresh. I feel alive and awake.

My new macros (give or take...):
P 280-300
C 250-280
F 90-120

That's the plan for now. Every new thing is always a test. Maybe it works maybe it doesn't.

Sometimes you fail and learn. Sometimes months pass and everything works out just fine.
:)

Doing new stuff

New stuff to fill our weeks with baba.

"Be a friend to an immigrant mom."
:)

Will this ever stop growing?

Our son is almost 9 months now.
I wake up to a new day every day and he's there, smiling,  laughing,  loving everything.

He's a miracle. He swam through acid to get to be with us. He found that lost egg and pushed through to finish first. All them others either died on the way or were eaten alive by my central police...

I was there when it happened but i didn't see it... so I asked my body how it happened. She told me that when those two different DNAs touched for the first time there was "fire and lightning in the air". The One who came and won the game caused an avalanche of changes. Cells started multiplying like crazy. "Woosh-smak! Woosh-smak! Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop." The growth was exponential and full of energy. Hormones shot through the roof and my blood filled with chemical messages to both protect the baby and to distroy Everything and Anything that may harm it.

I love our son.
Somehow I feel that I love him more and more every day... can or will it ever stop.
The growth of my love?

Don't get comfortable

"Life's a bitch and then you die." That's what my friend used to say every week, probably every day.
Not anymore.... thank goodness her life got a million times better :)

Don't die to change things...

People die. Well, technically we don't DIE we just change... move on.
My friend killed himself some years ago. He moved on. It was early spring... he wasn't found until a week or so had passed. He had changed A LOT.

I think about him every year. I cared about him dearly. He was fun :) he was one of the funniest guys I knew :)

I miss him so much :(

Gainer is back

Yep. I bought 2kg of gainer. Every shake is over 600kcal :)
I tested it already and I like it. It's not icky or too thick. It disappears in seconds (down the hatch) which means that I can drink it without even thinking about it.
2 meals in 20 seconds... crazy.

I did something to my back today.
My legs still hurt like hell but I didn't mind.

Back day:

Foamrolling + warm up with a rowing machine (I hate that machine)

30-40kg x 20-10 x 6 "low row"

40-50kg x 15-10 x 6 "bent over row"

45kg x 10 x 4 "t-bar row"

26-36kg x 8-6 x 6 "one-arm db row"

Foamrolling and some planks...

(I'm too tired to care what I just wrote... if you can't guess then don't worry. You are not missing out on anything super.)

As I live and breathe...

I've been counting my calories again. I've been pushing clean food down the hatch. I've been sleeping and stretching and thinking and walking and staying awake at night feeding our son <3
I've been living to the fullest and watching some TV too :)
I've been writing and lifting and dreaming and drinking tea...

I feel a change coming.
I feel different inside.

Nobody loves a free heart

We are all different. That's the whole point.
Evolution.

So if someone works in different ways than you...what should you do? 
Hate them? Study their ways and prove them wrong?
Get to know them and learn from them? Just let them be and ignore them?
...
What ever you choose is what You chose.
Just remember that the door swings both ways.

We make choices every day.
We can always choose differently the next day.
Everything can be fixed to a point.
Evolution.

Eventually it's the giant rock from the sky that kills us all. Not some little, piece of shit problem that we're all obsessing about.

Some new routines at the gym

I've got some new ideas to brighten up my nights...

Here are some of the "nicer bits" from my leg day:

Smith machine 

6* 12-15 narrow squat (I don't go over 75kg 'cause I do slow reps)

6* 10-12 wide squat (I keep my weights around 45kg and my sets super slow)

6* 10-15 one legged squat (no rest or 10sec rest between sets, weights down to 25kg)

...

6* 10-12 step ups with dumbbells 10-20kg

Goodbye abs, it was nice seeing you...

Kiddo be like "whaaaaat..?"

I use a belt and it feels Great! I need it for my core so it has something to push against and I don't have to keep my eye on it All the time  ;)

Good...bye

Well... it's time.
It's time to say goodbye to my abs. Goodbye to my figure (as it is, right now I mean). Goodbye to competing next year. Goodbye to all my jeans.

Goodbye to my mirror image.

I'm not saying goodbye to this blog, no.

Just to many other things... not all are good. Some are bad. ;)

Something Rob said

...I should share this with you.

As we walked through the crowds of people I grabbed his left arm so I wouldn't lose him. His bicep and forearm nearly pinched my pinky off... Luckily I was faster ;)

I felt like I was following a giant in many ways. He is a Strong man and a true hero (to me), he has his own World of Dreams and Realities and he can make just about anything happen, his ways may be rough like his words but he pulls through even in the toughest neighbourhood. He is a man I would love to keep close to me. He is an inspiration and an idol.

Rob talked quietly to me as we pushed through the crowd (I could have never gotten through on my own.) and as we walked and people were being Crazy Loud around us, step by step his voice started to be the only thing I heard.

He told me (something like) this:
"When you get on that stage on that last day it doesn't matter if you're the biggest MF up there. It doesn't matter 'cause people can't see what it took to get you up there. It doesn't even matter if you win.

What matters is that you've made that journey. It matters that You remember that journey and all that has happened. It's all about you up there. NEVER make it about the others or Just about That day. Days come and go. They are all the same outside your history. No-one will ever SEE inside you, no-one will ever BE inside you. No-one will Ever be You.

You are the One person living your dreams. So let it show... up there on the stage, let them see YOU. The real, genuine, self made, King of your world, You..."

I hugged him.

We talked more about some private stuff... he helped me a lot. My mind is much clearer now. He's a risk taker too. He knows how it is.

Sometimes I forget that these are just dreams.
Sometimes I don't care that these are just dreams.

I know and love Real people like Dream-Rob. I talk with them and we share thoughts and dreams.  If you know me you might think of me as a quiet person who has a dark sense of humour... the reality is that I think a lot. I Listen and I feel what the other person is saying.  I am sharing THAT SPECIFIC moment with that person and we can never get it back. That's why I sometimes seem to just fade out... when actually I'm trying to get inside You ;)

Rob came back

Rob came back :)
He came to help me along  <3 he's so kind to me :)

We talked again... :) about everything important and nothing special.
He took me to an event. I think it was somekind of an aftermath for the people who attended the ASF 2015...

He couldn't spend a lot of time with me but the time we had he sure used well. We had coffee and he told me exactly How and Why I should handle my next big goals. I believe he's right about all the things he said. Yes, it will be hard... and Yes, it will (eventually) be worth it ALL. ALL THAT SHIT AND ALL THAT FUN STUFF. Mostly fun stuff ;)

I really like you, Rob <3
Thanks for coming to my rescue <3
You know so much about me... you understand.

A bad girl goes deep...

I finally felt the need to not give a fxck about the Doc...

I went deep.

It didn't hurt, 

It was interesting.

I felt it right where I should...

I'm keeping this deep squatting thing in my program ;)

I only went as high as 60kg.

I could do more but I need a spotter for that.

***

Yesterday I bought myself a belt. A leather lifting belt. IT will give me more support around my abs 'cause my abs will now have something to push against :)

I'm NOT planning to become a power lifter so you will NOT see me braking records month after month... my goals are still in women's physique. 

a short story (fiction)

I decided to be more aware. I took time to listen to my senses and to Name the feelings I had when I had them:

-         The car seat feels cold under my butt. Why do I always try to wear as little as possible just to win time changing my clothes at the gym?

-         My hair keeps finding its way to my face and mouth and I feel like I could take more time with it but then the uselessness of having hair products for every different moment would make me hate our bathroom.

-         The road is black, the sky is black, the weather is shit and my mood is getting grumpy just by looking outside. Why do I still live here?

The car seat was now warmer and I straightened my neck to throw my hair back. “Almost there.” 

The gym was lit.

I left my shoes at the door and headed for the changing room.

With a quick glance I counted 3 guys. Nobody looked my way as I went in to the changing room and accidentally banged the door real loud.

Training clothes on, quick check in the mirror that everything is in its right place (nipples to the same direction, hair out of my face, make up somewhere other than on my cheeks and underwear complimenting my rear end), fill the bottle -that had my EAA's- with water and hit the weights.

What am I doing today... Legs.

I looked around and saw that one of the guys was hitting his biceps, the two other were owning the Smith machine. Why does one of them always wear those ugly swim shorts to the gym? And the guy with the glasses usually has a polo on. How weird.

I still had my shoelaces undone but I walked over to the squat rack and started warming up with a wooden stick. Up, down, rotate, jump, swing... I hate warm ups because by the time you’re done some-one has already taken over the place where you were going to do something... so I keep close, I integrate my warm ups to the first 4 sets and I leave my stuff lying around so no-one will think that I'm not serious.

One of my nipples pops out and I have to make extra motions with my other hand to rub the other one out too. Darn. At least they're looking in the same direction. I hate it when they're off set even the slightest.

“Fuck.” I put the wrong god damn pants on! I had soft, light grey pants that would show any and all sweating that I will be doing today. And of course I will look like I wet my pants. What was I thinking?! Maybe I could still change my work out for something else? Back maybe? No... I need that for tomorrow. Arms... I just did them. Shoulders? Shit. Nothing... I put the bar on my back and started squatting. I forgot about my pants. Who cares if I look like I've sat in a puddle by the time I'm done. It's not like skinny four-eyes or Hawaii-boys even give a shit.

1, 2, 3... 25, 26, 27... I always count. I hate that about me. It can't be that my reps mean nothing if I don't count them. I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes.

1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5... 8, 9, 11, 12... Shit. Sometimes I videotape my sets and even though I KNOW I did 12 reps, the set on the tape is only 10 reps long. So not only am I dyslectic in ways but I also can't count. Aaargh. I add more weight and start all over again. The warm ups are taking forever today.

I don't go as low as I could. I stop around 90 degrees. I tell myself that I do it to keep my knees safe but the truth is that if I actually warmed up correctly for this stuff I could not only lift more but I could get lower and use the most of my muscle tissue to help me get back up again.

5 sets later my back is pumped, my knees feel like bamboo and it's time to put on a belt.

More weight means my ring finger is starting to feel like it is getting peeled off by my engagement ring. I only wear it at the gym because I want to test how it feels to have rings and jewelry on while lifting. It's stupid, I know. But others do it (Pros) and they don't look like they mind?

(I’m so hopeless.)

Three more sets and I switch from shoulder width to wide stance.

“Great.”

My pants are hanging in there but I know I’m starting to sweat like a … hmmm, nothing nice comes to mind. Let’s just say that I’m starting to rush things and it’s only because of my wardrobe issues.

I only get 2 sets done and I have to quit. I know a dark spot is spreading and starting to look like the most interesting ink swab ever. I can’t take my eyes off my crotch. None of the guys seem to even see me but I’m too frustrated to lift anymore. I put the plates back to the nearest places and grab my stuff. I head over to the leg machines in the corner. They are all facing the windows so I don’t have to think about my pants anymore. And the windows are covered too.

I finish my water as I finish off my legs with long sets in the quad and hamstring machines. After some foam rolling and short stretches I go to the toilet before I get on the treadmill. All I do is 15 minutes of walking uphill. Nothing special about it but it works for me.

When I’m finally all done and free to drop my pants I spend a few more extra minutes in front of a mirror posing, smiling and taking it all in (the Feeling after).

I always ask myself if I have any regrets. I often do. This time it’s about my pants and rushing through some of the sets. Basically I didn't even do those sets since I wasn't concentrating on the feeling but in the numbers. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and out” is not the same as “5 hard reps, 2 super difficult ones and 1 failure.”

I drive home and throw my clothes in the wash. After my shower I dig my pants out of the washing machine and pit the in the trash bin. It’s time to grow harder. No more stupid excuses to hold back. 

A new week

Spring is near. Even little creatures know this :)

The sun gets me a bit crazy. I get ideas. I've missed the sun. It's do much nicer when it's sunny. And I like getting ideas ;)

Kiddo keeps getting more teeth. This means he wakes up sometimes and cries for "no reason". Usually it helps just to be with him. Anything else just gets him more worked up.  He also seems to reach more and more places these days. Sometimes he even scares me... this morning I put him on the ground on his belly but when I turned to look again he was sitting up!? Maybe one of his legs got caught under his belly and he just lifted himself up from there?

He's been following me around... I'm trying to teach him what "come here" and "no" mean. Now and then he still gets tired and just wants to be carried. He supercrawls to my feet when he doesn't want me to pass him by. He's so cute <3

I can almost touch it...

The Future.
It's always just around the corner.

I have plans. Big plans.
The wheels are already in motion.
Now for some speed.

Saying good bye to Kris

Dear Kris,
I really liked working with you and I believe I grew in more ways than just in size... and I believe that I lost only in fat.

I love the way your program made me try out new things and push myself over the "5 more reps" -line ;)
I am astonished of how strong I truly am.

I am now just about finished with your 12 week Challenge and I feel that I'm ready to take on Anything :)

If I ever have the chance to meet you in real life I hope I get to look you in the eyes and say:"Man...you kicked my ass and I kept coming for more ;) I wish you the best <3"

Too much sleep

Yesterday I helped kiddo fall asleep around 6.30pm. I woke up next to him at 9pm... dead tired. Ate, tried to do something intelligent, went back to bed. This morning around 6am....still dead tired. Kiddo had a "I love everyone" moment around 3am so I was still suffering from that :)

I hate unscheduled rest days. They mess everything up.

20 years left to live...

I'll be dead by 2035 ... maybe.

...

I was told I have 20 years left in me. I should make them the best I can. 

What can happen in 20 years?:

- kiddo grows up :)

- I will be married and we'll have a home in a warm country (this is a must for me)

- I'll have watched Knight Rider a thousand times and I'll finally get that T-shirt I want where KITT is jumping over a cow ;)

- I am still eating right,  working out and I have plans (just in case) for the years to come

- I've destroyed all my enemies and loved everything else

- I've set goals and made gains greater than I ever thought was possible  (simply because there was no reason to hold back)

- I've broken a lot of rules and made a lot of people happy

- I've made our son proud <3

- I've taken those risks that I'm thinking about every day these days 

- I might have regrets but not about being too scared to act 

- I will have lived to my fullest, to the max.

Usually we don't know when our time is up.

It could be a problem in the plane's gearbox,  it could be a runaway moose, it might be a tuna sandwich...

Just don't wait around for a better life. Go out and live it.

What's the worst that could happen? Will the planet blow up? I don't think so ;)

Go.

Your life is waiting.

Am I still here?

A whole week gone... no workouts. I ate as much as I could.
This morning I checked my weight: 57,9kg (after my breakfast)

I think I look thin and soft.

:/

I better get my routines back in shape.
I need my (safe) lifestyle back :)

But tonight is (yet again) a rest day.
Tomorrow I'll hit my legs with another one of Kris's killer workouts and feel alive after I'll first want to die ;)