I filled my calendar with things to do to feel important. I wrote down even the most idiotic things like: ”change the linen” and ”buy a carton of organic milk”.
I don't know why I felt like I needed to feel important. Maybe staying at home just wasn't cutting it.
Maybe I was getting bored in my own life? Maybe I wasn't living my life but drowning in its stupidity and in my own wrong choices. No, I don't mean that the choice to stay home was wrong or the choice to have a child was wrong but just the little things... like why didn't I make more of myself while I was at home? Why did I feel like I was missing out on something and going for a brisk walk just wasn't fucking enough!
Sure, kiddo is teething and I still need him to sleep through the night. Sure, I get good two hours every day to myself (well, it's more like 1h + 1h 'cause kiddo wakes up crying in the middle and I have to help him get back to sleep. No biggie.)
Yeah... 2 hours. Usually it means I get 2 hours of soft and gentle sleep! On other days, days like today, I get 2 hours of ”oh fuck, what should I do. Shit, all my stuff is in his room and I don't want to wake him up... crap I can't do a home workout 'cause I'm going to the gym later. Aargh, it's sunny and pretty out side. Why didn't I take him for a walk first!!??...” and so on and so on.
So what's my problem again?:
not being consistent, not following through with my original plan, forgetting to prep and panicking when given an opportunity to flourish. If I was a plant I would probably die if I got any water or attention...
Lets fix this, shall we?
At first I need to let go of the past. Just let go and let it drift off... usually it takes a while so I mustn't worry if it first seems to come back and the current pushes it back against my belly.
There. It's gone. See that? It left. Now we have a clean surface around us.
Now we wait. Just wait. It's a bit like meditation but you don't have to do anything while your brain does everything in its power not to fall asleep. Boxes and boxes of old dreams and lost reflections get thrown around it that little think tank of yours and finally something familiar falls out. “Plop!” It hits the water's surface and makes its mark on it. Rings form but soon they bend back and forth like they were dancing and a 3D image pushes itself out of the water.
“Whoa...” you might whisper.
But there it is. In all of its wisdom your brain decided to show you THIS image. Your living dream. The one thing that (right now) gives you the least amount of agony and disbelief.
Look at it carefully. Don't judge. Just explore the possibilities and let it stay there, close to you. Next to your living body. You. It's Yours. You made it. Can't you just love it? Just a bit? Don't be afraid. It can't hurt you! It's a Part of you. Let it flow... let it climb on your hand and move up to your shoulders. You'll feel its weight is so light. It will never push you under the surface. Not if you just trust yourself!