Be curious

There's still time to do all those things that you always wanted to do.

There's still time to be better and to do better.

Do your best. Honestly.... what's the worst that can happen?

:)

Just remember that no matter what happens, I still love you.

Control

"As your maker...
I command you."

<3

Home school

Home school with the bigger kid (texting and reading) then leg day (killed it at the gym!) after which I played in the fresh snow with my older baby (BMW)... HE LOVES his donuts  <3 and it was "ass of the grass" in every corner and bend...

Now I stand here in the kitchen with my mushroom omelette and wonder when this winter will end....
There are zombies on TV so I can't go in the living room. Too many nightmares would be waiting for me after the dream train arrives and takes me away... I want to see/experience nice dreams :)

My "Mr Compton"

You are everywhere.
Outside my house, in my room, in the air I breathe.
You are inside me.
I see you every day, every night, every dusk and dawn... I search you out. I run to you. My Bill. My beloved Mr Compton.

I won't stop.
I can't stop.
I will always miss you, need you, love you.

I am yours, forever.

You did this to me.
You loved me first.

Woke up dead

Gosh I'm sooo tired.
I take naps with baba and I feel like I could sleep for a year...
Legs hurt, back aches, sleepy and hungry all the fxcking time.

I hate it and love it.
I need: more food. More time. More gym. More life. More slooow mornings.

Beloved Bill

I just finished watching the last season of TrueBlood.

God it hurt.

It's a blessing and a course to have my soul. I hate it when I am stuck in a loop. A bad loop of sad things. The good loops are much nicer. They are the ones that keep me alive :) literally.

I started season 1 again. I needed my Bill back <3
I need my good loop.

I have a real "Vampire Bill" in my life.
He's the one I can be myself with.

A good night

Tired... kiddo I mean. He goes "good night, mama" just before 18:00. Sometimes he starts yawning after 17:00... 11-12 hours later he is Totally up again. Singing his "gurll-grrr" song and loving everything. He eats about 3 times every night.

We spent the day inside. We did go out for a short while but only to stand around in the sun. It hurts his eyes so we came back in. The little vampire  <3 he keeps eating everything because his gums itch. I have tooth marks all over me. He is a quick little beast.

I've been keeping him busy by playing "catch me if you can" and "hide-ish and seek-ish". He also enjoys just emptying out what ever he can open...

He's a perfect little puppy :)

Games

I eat all the time and I'm still hungry. .. maybe I'm sick?..

Kiddo sure loves his blocks :)
He's never been sick.

Where is this road going and should I stay on it

I looked in the mirror today... after my home gym (arms and abs)... I liked what I saw. It was 9pm and I weigh 59kg.

I counted my calories again and did some tweeks... I pushed them up to 3100kcal (easily) and I will check them again after a month or two. I hope I'll be a bit heavier then so I should check them anyway ;)

I feel exited and fresh. I feel alive and awake.

My new macros (give or take...):
P 280-300
C 250-280
F 90-120

That's the plan for now. Every new thing is always a test. Maybe it works maybe it doesn't.

Sometimes you fail and learn. Sometimes months pass and everything works out just fine.
:)

Doing new stuff

New stuff to fill our weeks with baba.

"Be a friend to an immigrant mom."
:)

Will this ever stop growing?

Our son is almost 9 months now.
I wake up to a new day every day and he's there, smiling,  laughing,  loving everything.

He's a miracle. He swam through acid to get to be with us. He found that lost egg and pushed through to finish first. All them others either died on the way or were eaten alive by my central police...

I was there when it happened but i didn't see it... so I asked my body how it happened. She told me that when those two different DNAs touched for the first time there was "fire and lightning in the air". The One who came and won the game caused an avalanche of changes. Cells started multiplying like crazy. "Woosh-smak! Woosh-smak! Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop." The growth was exponential and full of energy. Hormones shot through the roof and my blood filled with chemical messages to both protect the baby and to distroy Everything and Anything that may harm it.

I love our son.
Somehow I feel that I love him more and more every day... can or will it ever stop.
The growth of my love?

Don't get comfortable

"Life's a bitch and then you die." That's what my friend used to say every week, probably every day.
Not anymore.... thank goodness her life got a million times better :)

Don't die to change things...

People die. Well, technically we don't DIE we just change... move on.
My friend killed himself some years ago. He moved on. It was early spring... he wasn't found until a week or so had passed. He had changed A LOT.

I think about him every year. I cared about him dearly. He was fun :) he was one of the funniest guys I knew :)

I miss him so much :(

Gainer is back

Yep. I bought 2kg of gainer. Every shake is over 600kcal :)
I tested it already and I like it. It's not icky or too thick. It disappears in seconds (down the hatch) which means that I can drink it without even thinking about it.
2 meals in 20 seconds... crazy.

I did something to my back today.
My legs still hurt like hell but I didn't mind.

Back day:

Foamrolling + warm up with a rowing machine (I hate that machine)

30-40kg x 20-10 x 6 "low row"

40-50kg x 15-10 x 6 "bent over row"

45kg x 10 x 4 "t-bar row"

26-36kg x 8-6 x 6 "one-arm db row"

Foamrolling and some planks...

(I'm too tired to care what I just wrote... if you can't guess then don't worry. You are not missing out on anything super.)

As I live and breathe...

I've been counting my calories again. I've been pushing clean food down the hatch. I've been sleeping and stretching and thinking and walking and staying awake at night feeding our son <3
I've been living to the fullest and watching some TV too :)
I've been writing and lifting and dreaming and drinking tea...

I feel a change coming.
I feel different inside.

Nobody loves a free heart

We are all different. That's the whole point.
Evolution.

So if someone works in different ways than you...what should you do? 
Hate them? Study their ways and prove them wrong?
Get to know them and learn from them? Just let them be and ignore them?
...
What ever you choose is what You chose.
Just remember that the door swings both ways.

We make choices every day.
We can always choose differently the next day.
Everything can be fixed to a point.
Evolution.

Eventually it's the giant rock from the sky that kills us all. Not some little, piece of shit problem that we're all obsessing about.

Some new routines at the gym

I've got some new ideas to brighten up my nights...

Here are some of the "nicer bits" from my leg day:

Smith machine 

6* 12-15 narrow squat (I don't go over 75kg 'cause I do slow reps)

6* 10-12 wide squat (I keep my weights around 45kg and my sets super slow)

6* 10-15 one legged squat (no rest or 10sec rest between sets, weights down to 25kg)

...

6* 10-12 step ups with dumbbells 10-20kg

Goodbye abs, it was nice seeing you...

Kiddo be like "whaaaaat..?"

I use a belt and it feels Great! I need it for my core so it has something to push against and I don't have to keep my eye on it All the time  ;)

Good...bye

Well... it's time.
It's time to say goodbye to my abs. Goodbye to my figure (as it is, right now I mean). Goodbye to competing next year. Goodbye to all my jeans.

Goodbye to my mirror image.

I'm not saying goodbye to this blog, no.

Just to many other things... not all are good. Some are bad. ;)

Something Rob said

...I should share this with you.

As we walked through the crowds of people I grabbed his left arm so I wouldn't lose him. His bicep and forearm nearly pinched my pinky off... Luckily I was faster ;)

I felt like I was following a giant in many ways. He is a Strong man and a true hero (to me), he has his own World of Dreams and Realities and he can make just about anything happen, his ways may be rough like his words but he pulls through even in the toughest neighbourhood. He is a man I would love to keep close to me. He is an inspiration and an idol.

Rob talked quietly to me as we pushed through the crowd (I could have never gotten through on my own.) and as we walked and people were being Crazy Loud around us, step by step his voice started to be the only thing I heard.

He told me (something like) this:
"When you get on that stage on that last day it doesn't matter if you're the biggest MF up there. It doesn't matter 'cause people can't see what it took to get you up there. It doesn't even matter if you win.

What matters is that you've made that journey. It matters that You remember that journey and all that has happened. It's all about you up there. NEVER make it about the others or Just about That day. Days come and go. They are all the same outside your history. No-one will ever SEE inside you, no-one will ever BE inside you. No-one will Ever be You.

You are the One person living your dreams. So let it show... up there on the stage, let them see YOU. The real, genuine, self made, King of your world, You..."

I hugged him.

We talked more about some private stuff... he helped me a lot. My mind is much clearer now. He's a risk taker too. He knows how it is.

Sometimes I forget that these are just dreams.
Sometimes I don't care that these are just dreams.

I know and love Real people like Dream-Rob. I talk with them and we share thoughts and dreams.  If you know me you might think of me as a quiet person who has a dark sense of humour... the reality is that I think a lot. I Listen and I feel what the other person is saying.  I am sharing THAT SPECIFIC moment with that person and we can never get it back. That's why I sometimes seem to just fade out... when actually I'm trying to get inside You ;)

Rob came back

Rob came back :)
He came to help me along  <3 he's so kind to me :)

We talked again... :) about everything important and nothing special.
He took me to an event. I think it was somekind of an aftermath for the people who attended the ASF 2015...

He couldn't spend a lot of time with me but the time we had he sure used well. We had coffee and he told me exactly How and Why I should handle my next big goals. I believe he's right about all the things he said. Yes, it will be hard... and Yes, it will (eventually) be worth it ALL. ALL THAT SHIT AND ALL THAT FUN STUFF. Mostly fun stuff ;)

I really like you, Rob <3
Thanks for coming to my rescue <3
You know so much about me... you understand.